I think we should start following other people.

You can starfuck me.....I'm on the pill.

I gave you multiple orgasms last night. Don't make me tell you to leave multiple times in the morning.

Is drunk a good Halloween costume? That's what I'm going to be.

I love wearing headphones on the train, nobody can hear me farting.

If you give a baboon a fish, you feed him for a day. If you teach him how to roll a joint, he's your smoke buddy for life!

Either the old lady next door is pounding on the wall because she needs help, or she's getting nailed. #imscared

I'm gonna skip the reunion too, just like the rest of high school.

Nancy Pelosi doesn't want to see the bin Laden photos. When you look at a dead man in the mirror every morning, what's the point?

I don't want to see Palin's e-mails. I want to see her tits.

Someone put lady blah blah on the jukebox. I had to walk outside before shooting/kicking someone in the dick.

If you can't make fun of yourself there's facebook.

I like my first dates like I like my boots. Easy to walk on and tied up tight.

#FF All of my followers. They all look great, smell great, and are probably watching porn at this very moment.

I've lost 6 followers today proving my assholiness!!! Adios fucktards!

I think it was that 3rd line of Fun Dip that really fucked me up.

If you mean looking at tramp stamps then yeah, I do enjoy art.

We need to end the war on drugs and start one with insects.

I'm in pain. I guess I'll smoke some medicine.

The dinosaurs thought global warming was real too. Look at what happened to them.