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To anyone who has ever starred one of my tweets - It makes me feel like I made a sly joke and I noticed you got it from across the room.
Dear Fur Kid, Dad isn't hurting Mom. We are just wrestling. Please stop barking, stay away from Dad's butt and get off the bed. Thanks!
Does me stuffing this projector up your ass make me look tired of this meeting?
Man-scaping your eye brows can improve your look if it's not done by a blind chimp with tremors. You look surprised to hear that.
I took my lunch break to see my therapist. I knew I wasn't into it when all that was playing in my mind was "The Rapist for $200 Alex"
STOP YELLING! It's a phone NOT a tin can with string!
BTW, CNN is a morally bankrupt channel. 30 minutes of Daily Show is more informative than 24 hours of CNN.
When my wife asked me to pick up some tampons at the store and I replied: "A box o' crammers - check!", I got in trouble.
Dear Furry Child, I know you pee in the house when you get mad at us. How about letting us know you're ticked? A bark?
If I had a laptop and internet 20 years ago @ college I'd be living in my Mom's basement right now with carpal tunnel in my right hand.
It's simple: I've already polluted my real FB life with Mafia Wars, I don't want my 2nd chance life on Twitter to be crapped up too.
Old people even drive slow to the hospital? Don't you want to live?!?
Really, Me? Not only do you have a Zune, you have a back up Zune? Isn't that like having two 8-track players?
Did you ever have a day where so much went right that you start looking for the cock punch you know is coming?
It's my first day in my cube after a month. I've been practicing obliterating co-workers with a thought... Shit... Need more practice...
With Twitter I can sit alone in this restaurant with my ear buds in, laugh like an idiot and know I have at least 300 friends laughing too.
#duringsex - Are you doing that for you? No? Then KNOCK IT OFF!
Stimulating your brain's Gamma waves improve your perception and awareness. I need to get the rabbit vibrator of gamma wave stimulators.
I've paid $1800 to learn that you're "never more than 6' from a spider".
OK... It's time to treat my body like an amusement park and get to sleep...
I know there are people out there as messed up as me... and I think they're here...