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People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
My co-worker informed me that people raised with manners say “Please” & “Thank you”.
So I responded “Please, shut the fuck up, thank you.”
Ever notice the bigger the girl, the more Looney Tunes characters she has on her shirt.
I'm at the doctor's office & they don't know why I have this rash on my balls. Guess I'll wait for the Dr, these other patients are clueless
I passed out drunk at gay party last night & woke up with a bunch of vaginas drawn on my face.
Being gay, is never having to say I'm sorry...
I got you pregnant.
My tweets aren’t always funny but at least they aren’t inspirational.
I love having so many great straight guy followers. Based on their tweets, 1 thing we have in common is none of us are having sex with women
My damn car won't start so I did what I always do; I pop the hood up, look around for 2 seconds, say "hmmm", close the hood, scream "FUCK!".
When I see saggy boobs, I think "someone must have tugboated when they should have motorboated".
Adele wrote her album ’19’ when she was age 19 & ‘21’ when she was 21. If you think she is angry & bitter now, wait until she releases ‘49’.
My best relationship advice is don’t have one.
I quit my job at Staples, they wanted me to do things other than stapling. I’m excited though, I start working at Jack in the Box next week.
It's been a long few weeks these past couple of days.
My Dad taught me: Bloody Mary’s after 10am, Beer after 2pm, hard liquor after 5pm.
My Mom taught me how to knock the shit out of a drunk.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
I saw a boob avi so hot, I need to finger my asshole to prove I'm still gay. The only problem is I painted my nails & they're still wet.
True love is when you can’t wait to see someone; but once you do, you are ready to slap the shit out of them in less than 5 fucking minutes.
I'm joking about 90% of the time & the other 10% is me being condescending. Do I need to explain the difference to you?
I enjoy watersports. No, not that kind you sicko! The normal kind with golden showers.