People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.

Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.

My co-worker informed me that people raised with manners say “Please” & “Thank you”.

So I responded “Please, shut the fuck up, thank you.”

Ever notice the bigger the girl, the more Looney Tunes characters she has on her shirt.

I'm at the doctor's office & they don't know why I have this rash on my balls. Guess I'll wait for the Dr, these other patients are clueless

I passed out drunk at gay party last night & woke up with a bunch of vaginas drawn on my face.

Being gay, is never having to say I'm sorry...
I got you pregnant.

My tweets aren’t always funny but at least they aren’t inspirational.

I love having so many great straight guy followers. Based on their tweets, 1 thing we have in common is none of us are having sex with women

My damn car won't start so I did what I always do; I pop the hood up, look around for 2 seconds, say "hmmm", close the hood, scream "FUCK!".

When I see saggy boobs, I think "someone must have tugboated when they should have motorboated".

Adele wrote her album ’19’ when she was age 19 & ‘21’ when she was 21. If you think she is angry & bitter now, wait until she releases ‘49’.

My best relationship advice is don’t have one.

I quit my job at Staples, they wanted me to do things other than stapling. I’m excited though, I start working at Jack in the Box next week.

It's been a long few weeks these past couple of days.

My Dad taught me: Bloody Mary’s after 10am, Beer after 2pm, hard liquor after 5pm.

My Mom taught me how to knock the shit out of a drunk.

If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.

I saw a boob avi so hot, I need to finger my asshole to prove I'm still gay. The only problem is I painted my nails & they're still wet.

True love is when you can’t wait to see someone; but once you do, you are ready to slap the shit out of them in less than 5 fucking minutes.

I'm joking about 90% of the time & the other 10% is me being condescending. Do I need to explain the difference to you?