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People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
My co-worker informed me that people raised with manners say “Please” & “Thank you”.
So I responded “Please, shut the fuck up, thank you.”
I'm at the doctor's office & they don't know why I have this rash on my balls. Guess I'll wait for the Dr, these other patients are clueless
Ever notice the bigger the girl, the more Looney Tunes characters she has on her shirt.
My tweets aren’t always funny but at least they aren’t inspirational.
I passed out drunk at gay party last night & woke up with a bunch of vaginas drawn on my face.
Being gay, is never having to say I'm sorry...
I got you pregnant.
I love having so many great straight guy followers. Based on their tweets, 1 thing we have in common is none of us are having sex with women
Adele wrote her album ’19’ when she was age 19 & ‘21’ when she was 21. If you think she is angry & bitter now, wait until she releases ‘49’.
My damn car won't start so I did what I always do; I pop the hood up, look around for 2 seconds, say "hmmm", close the hood, scream "FUCK!".
My best relationship advice is don’t have one.
When I see saggy boobs, I think "someone must have tugboated when they should have motorboated".
I quit my job at Staples, they wanted me to do things other than stapling. I’m excited though, I start working at Jack in the Box next week.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
It's been a long few weeks these past couple of days.
My Dad taught me: Bloody Mary’s after 10am, Beer after 2pm, hard liquor after 5pm.
My Mom taught me how to knock the shit out of a drunk.
I saw a boob avi so hot, I need to finger my asshole to prove I'm still gay. The only problem is I painted my nails & they're still wet.
True love is when you can’t wait to see someone; but once you do, you are ready to slap the shit out of them in less than 5 fucking minutes.
I'm joking about 90% of the time & the other 10% is me being condescending. Do I need to explain the difference to you?
I enjoy watersports. No, not that kind you sicko! The normal kind with golden showers.