One day our kids will look back on these tweets and say “I wish I liked anything as much as my parents liked to masturbate.”

Your son won't give the other girls a chance to play mom during dress up. -My 1983 Parent-Teacher conference

Just called Target to ask if they expected to sell out of Parcheesi before closing time.

Just so we are clear. I'm still the boss.

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s good acid.

I hate when I say hi and someone ignores me so I have to jab a pencil in their eye and then people think I’m weird or have “anger issues.”

Starve a fever, feed a cold. What if you have both? I bet this is how bulimia was invented.

Stalking you is exhausting. I star your tweets, heart your tumblr posts, watch all your videos. Don't you ever shut up?

I don't trust myself around hummus the same way some of you shouldn't be trusted with kids.

It's cool for people to have a lot of money, but not cool when they spend it on buying politicians.

Does my disinterest in ever showering or changing my clothes again make me look depressed?

Assless chaps and Danzig turned to the max just go together, but try telling that to the cops at the park.

This is getting ridiculous, I gotta get this squirrel out of my car and into my apartment.

You never see any 5K runs for the cure for corns and bunions, I think that's some bullshit.

I wonder how many people have been institutionalized because they thought it would be funny to read a few of their tweets to friends.

You know our country is screwed up when the governor of NEW JERSEY doesn't want to run for president.

Anybody who turns their car off while the windshield wipers are in the up position is a monster.

The biggest mistake you can make as a customer service rep is to think of your callers as human beings.

“You’re on your own, kid.”

- A Republican village.

There are 15 unexplained deaths per minute in the world. Theoretically I could've killed someone in china by masturbating too hard.... :)