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you know that kid at the arcade who’s just watching the demo and pressing the buttons like they’re playing? that’s how i handle adulthood
"shaq, how did all these snapping turtles get into kobe's car?" gee i don't know, it must have been a *looks into camera* shaqcident
did you done a crim? hi im Bill Lawyer and if u done a Bad Thing, i wil put on my suit and go to the jodge and tell him u didnt do it #Law
good morning son i cut your toast to look like the "#" symbol. mmm this orange juice sure is trending! son please teach me what twitter is
im not the hero gotham deserves. im pete i work at subway. do u want extra meetballs
the waiter grinds me some pepper. "tell me when." i never say 'when'. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
people who tell you to "stay still when bees attack you" are just thousands of bees in a trenchcoat trying to tell u a lie
obama giggles to himself as he neglects his farmville crops. "lol owned" he whispers "owned by the Persident"
reminder that no matter what the "safety rating" is on your car, it's still a chunk of metal and glass powered by explosions
can't tell twitter from reality. tried to fav & RT a dog this morning. @twitter what do i do
this is my son, Hadouken GravyTrain Sandblaster Timberwolf Johnson, and my daughter, Snorlax NBA Doormat Chandelier Snorlax Snorlax Johnson
i ran into a spambot irl. all he did was grab me and 3 people i didnt know and mutter to all of us "mcdonalds gift card"
yeah guys i smoke weeds i all the time. pass me that blunk. lets hit the gong. whoa im getting the crunchies now
im a pokemon trainer *heaves a rottweiler at a pigeon* im winning the pokmon fight im the best piukemen tranner
what's that lassie? timmy's in the well? haha owned *high fives lassie* *throws a picture of a middle finger down the well* later, Dorck
weird episode of jeopardy. every answer is "who is alex trebek". with each question alex increases in size. he's cackling #hmm
dmx, holding a map, standing in the middle of a desert. he studies the map, scratching his head. "where the hood at" he mutters, frustrated
WHITE PEOPLE BE TWEETIN LIKE THIS *clicks on the twitter logo over and over* AND BLACK PEOPLE BE TWEETIN LIKE THIS *opens and closes excel*
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