Never bring your mum to a wife fight

I only self harm on the inside.

Man vs Food is a somewhat miss leading, no sight of a man - just a fat irritating cunt.

Pro-tip Star tattoos are the perfect way of expressing individuality

Sub tweet received and understood

What's the best way to end a relationship? I am asking for my girlfriend.

Why wait till 1am for the #ufc fight, when you can google 'gay sex'

You just need some tea and fuck you

Either I really need a beer or I have the onset of Parkinsons

Pro-Tip - Women over the age of 20 - Pig Tails are not working for you.

Nice to see Cheryl Cole unfazed by the miming taunts. No doubt as it does take the focus off her being a vacuous racist bint.

Girl coming round tonight, just need to decide which twitter crush avi I print out and tape to her face.

You know when you meet that perfect someone, then after the third date you want to choke yourself with your own spleen? Yeah that.

So the Dr pepper ad is getting stick for being sexist? What about every other fucking commercial that paints men as useless/stupid cunts?

Is it possible to get pregnant from an Iceland battered sausage? I am asking for a friend

If I talked as much as most women, I would have run out of things to say 15 years ago.

I prefer to maim a co-worker than kill them, so they can tell others of their horror.

I like my new girlfriend so much I can almost have sex with her without the speedball.

Ok so I can't spell her name, fuck you

I wonder if a womans uterus can recognise 'bad sexual etiquette' sperms?