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  • OuterJohn
      John! @OuterJohn

    Probably our scariest president was that pyramid with the big eye on top.

    • 1,267
    • FAVS
    beltamalejrflocktonBrandogramsBromanConsulFRESHRealtyMarieZamrachelrap77whiskey_teacup
    • 765
    • RETWEETS
    beltamaleMarieZamjsnprknxzyoemkillyironymasterEddyAugustHeDidDat
    MurseBrianRNrorynotroyIntoxicaTweetedSquirreljusticeTitaniumToplassSarcasmo718sweet_toof
  • OuterJohn
      John! @OuterJohn

    1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater

    • 1,158
    • FAVS
    DonnieSweegohkick94SamBlondeayegoreyouignorantslutvictorecabarrenfreshestgingeridontbekaren
    • 792
    • RETWEETS
    Mubia14vick__nateEasyOnTheBeach_ADAMMM_BenJacklin26aford8469shadesoftaarmatt_mulderrig
    MrTurstKevinRicottaDJHouseSlippersdonni
  • OuterJohn
      John! @OuterJohn

    I hate it when I'm digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.

    • 858
    • FAVS
    ChristianClemedpunmagnateBromanConsulwhiskey_teacupmaxhjctwitsandgiggledgreenteam15ICountBeanss
    • 217
    • RETWEETS
    JamesIkeguchiIamBhalla__moonshine01MexcnHouseMafialifes_a_beatweirdralphfunTweetersAnchormantle
    ashley_barnhillMarty3point0______Matt_Tice________ineedaballrubOneLinersPlusSuzeInkTrainedHedonistsenorwinces
  • OuterJohn
      John! @OuterJohn

    I'd say the best part of being ugly is never going into slow motion when I emerge from a swimming pool.

    • 704
    • FAVS
    DonnieSweegojosh0a_holtjarsenault02DaringDareBearChubbybunny1998angelicastiffyNIKOLLEROXANNEKryseyb
    • 295
    • RETWEETS
    DonnieSweegojarsenault02MelanieArghStevenYarussiBrewskerrogerkayrononume_clouston86
    AllTheUglyTruthvladchoc
  • OuterJohn
      John! @OuterJohn

    Bored? 1) Write "tree blood" on 5,000 ping pong balls 2) Dump them in a hollow tree 3) Wait for a lumberjack

    • 654
    • FAVS
    ChristianClemedpunmagnateMarieZamSPSSStdugradicaljocyTheAdamTroutmanSkizza306
    • 252
    • RETWEETS
    notreallyPBQJ_502radicaljocySkizza306savagehippysimongrafTheDairylandDonBluepwnz
    TheDairylandDoncurlycomedylaurencesmb
  • OuterJohn
      John! @OuterJohn

    What if birds are just out of control napkins.

    • 553
    • FAVS
    BromanConsulMarieZamwhiskey_teacupgreenteam15JewelDoleLollySassafrasBrentweetsyouturnmejon
    • 209
    • RETWEETS
    ICountBeansslordxelrondoh_no__notagainkatiebrookssMichaelScaliseQuailBuddyjustcarpiediemSammerChipmunk
    DJHouseSlippersSqueeb_SlayerTimothy_secondTitaniumToplassKyle_Lippert
  • OuterJohn
      John! @OuterJohn

    Keep talkin' shit, kangaroos. At least I'm not cargo pants with a face.

    • 517
    • FAVS
    cutringsturtlesDonnieSweegoTom_BrigliaJacquesVonDimmichaelwalshLoveAllTheMynlydapptrapdjreefershark
    • 196
    • RETWEETS
    ha_nee_yaFolieADueceLoveAllTheMynlydapptrapfreshestgingerStevenYarussiandrewgambalieajbusch
  • OuterJohn
      John! @OuterJohn

    "OH NO PYTHON whew just my nose. OH NO COBRA nope still my nose. OH NO RATTLESNAKE shit, nose. God I can't live like this." -Elephant

    • 449
    • FAVS
    punmagnatewhiskey_teacuptdugHome_HalfwayradicaljocyTheDairylandDontruebeTheThomason
    • 209
    • RETWEETS
    J_OHHHHHepM0neydreamboateyesKyleTolliverBigRedKrautyoungfriedonionSmellyBallSacksbread_thing
    greenteam15inmynewskinSeanINCypressjuicymorsel
  • OuterJohn
      John! @OuterJohn

    I bet a turtle's last thought before getting run over is always, "I got this."

    • 515
    • FAVS
    ChristianClemedpunmagnateInkedUpKidderMarieZamdcongdonFunSizeBiddiecalistavaneppsAskAuntieEm1
    • 128
    • RETWEETS
    MarieZamjwkemAskAuntieEm1amandajewel1277somnil0quistEagle_Visionwhiskey_teacupblovecorliss
    AgamemNOMNOMRitleySammichbellicosejasonRoadfilm__________JordyHamrickCoatCzechpatricksaleeby____HeyitsLori
  • OuterJohn
      John! @OuterJohn

    It's cool to visit Mount Rushmore and remember the good old days, when a four-headed rock monster was President.

    • 454
    • FAVS
    MarieZamwhiskey_teacupmattchuck2Home_HalfwayTheDairylandDonFancysauce81cool_tonnrich_roberts
    • 157
    • RETWEETS
    stealth_ikedsaperiajamesfhinzrich_robertstherealDBrightKadenMFKetoGuthrieTuckerandylangemusic
    Mickey_McCauleydrugleafFattMernandezCameron_Sladeadamallday
  • OuterJohn
      John! @OuterJohn

    On dates I like to "accidentally" spill a briefcase filled with 25 of the rarest Beanie Babies™ you can possibly imagine.

    • 427
    • FAVS
    MarieZamwhiskey_teacupnotoriousPOBaaydohelleosiliWallen9AlanCoats3Wilshide
    • 141
    • RETWEETS
    whiskey_teacupaustinlazograce_trainijamesfhinzJ_HUFFman24november17murphyanDREadavidhenneberg
    u_jellicentmattelgatoDeanOkay
  • OuterJohn
      John! @OuterJohn

    Sometimes I go bow hunting with my uncle and when we find two good ones we put my hair in pigtails.

    • 421
    • FAVS
    punmagnateburgerkrangHome_HalfwayYayForAnxietymyles_morrisonJiminyKicksItroskosaysu_jellicent
    • 75
    • RETWEETS
    jgilbertsegowood4sheepUglyPrick________crittendenxixkellanbcrylee_tree__AshtonJH24Melodramagic
    BillMc7lancevarnadoKim_pulsiveCroweJam
  • OuterJohn
      John! @OuterJohn

    ..C.r.a..p.!..A.n.t.s...a.r.e. .c.a.r.r..y..i..n.g...m.y..t.w..e.e..t...a.w..a.y..!..

    • 319
    • FAVS
    zanticsDapperSociopathLisabug74punmagnatewhiskey_teacupjemulojordanrachelleblexinichole95
    • 162
    • RETWEETS
    zanticsLisabug74punmagnateRoseIntriguing_Logannnnnnn5D_Newsalexjmannradicaljocy
    BeeStapler
  • OuterJohn
      John! @OuterJohn

    I hate when I'm drowning and a fish whispers, "I'm going to live inside your butt."

    • 373
    • FAVS
    punmagnategreenteam15Home_HalfwayTheDairylandDonRitleySammichARobustLoofahshittylitMilkshakeAnyone
    • 96
    • RETWEETS
    marisa_yayballyballsIvyelleWright____MrTurstFoxeeliciousGinlickerStandup_MikeMisstressNikki
    MrTurstDJHouseSlippersskitzoetteMurseBrianRNKaysNH4AyesCelebrityChez
  • OuterJohn
      John! @OuterJohn

    Here's me visiting my girlfriend in jail, as seen from above: %

    • 362
    • FAVS
    ChristianClemedMarieZamerica_rosieSCbchbumVinDAntonioLightJakeJoePolizzottiAustinNissen
    • 106
    • RETWEETS
    punmagnateVinDAntonioJ_Michael_TSpaingusmcsgretelr0setomutwitrelatabledad
    Supersurly
  • OuterJohn
      John! @OuterJohn

    Sometimes when a girl tells me I'm "bad boy sexy" I'm so startled I spill my basket of fresh blueberries.

    • 329
    • FAVS
    MarieZamwhiskey_teacupnotoriousPOBgreenteam15corinnemlwswHome_HalfwayARobustLoofahhatehug
    • 110
    • RETWEETS
    JamesIkeguchijamesfhinzPAULEY_pocketwood4sheepBigRedKrautamelialikesyouDangDeLuciaejmudrak
    spotswoj
  • OuterJohn
      John! @OuterJohn

    I am out of breath. This is the hardest I've ever laughed. This is it, guys. It has all lead to this moment. http://t.co/1ugVjWwB

    • 356
    • FAVS
    apopagasm_clairechanuniglittertitsHolly9876543ruth_truongmuryburrymyles_morrisonHome_Halfway
    • 69
    • RETWEETS
    DustinSwanksweeniersjayTpottersethmcduffeeyotengopazmattgoodloe24RobinEMullerevillights
    Llib_NotwalLouisPeitzman
  • OuterJohn
      John! @OuterJohn

    Nobody hates airport security more than ol' Bombface McSwordfingers.

    • 331
    • FAVS
    notoriousPOBHome_HalfwayTheDairylandDonTheThomasonARobustLoofahJakeCarkuffJiminyKicksItMilkshakeAnyone
    • 86
    • RETWEETS
    abracagigiwhittneyhyslipspazrunsnyCheers_Fuckfacejahan_tysontechl0ligy________jaykohanCalhounMB
    MrTurst_FitsNShitsadamalldayoriginaljackass__wheatnik
  • OuterJohn
      John! @OuterJohn

    Pour motor oil over a stack of CDs. Ta-da! Robot pancakes.

    • 349
    • FAVS
    greenteam15Home_HalfwayTheDairylandDonTheThomasonJiminyKicksItJasonBerlinmeatlobesspazrunsny
    • 66
    • RETWEETS
    joe_stehlinEma_Cigerovatechl0ligy________ArtemisLoud_solarflareCool_JesseJaySaysStuffVicNickDaily______
    laurencesmb
  • OuterJohn
      John! @OuterJohn

    We actually have no idea how many clouds are really poodles who got addicted to helium.

    • 297
    • FAVS
    ChristianClemedMarieZamwhiskey_teacupgreenteam15Omega_J12Home_Halfwayradicaljocyninatreemonkey
    • 103
    • RETWEETS
    FRESHRealtyMarieZamradicaljocynats_mix_tapeMsHannahAtlantaTheDairylandDonMarshall_LolzDaphneDoo_
    donni
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