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  • OuterJohn
      John! @OuterJohn

    Probably our scariest president was that pyramid with the big eye on top.

    • 1,272
    • FAVS
    maxhjcestattinBurds_1pangieeveeHunnerGoMeowbellatamalejrflocktonBrandograms
    • 765
    • RETWEETS
    bellatamaleMarieZam__________jsnprknkillbendrnachmkillyironymasterEddyAugustHeDidDat
    MurseBrianRNrorynotroyIntoxicaTweetedSquirreljusticeTitaniumToplassSarcasmo718sweet_toof
  • OuterJohn
      John! @OuterJohn

    1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater

    • 1,168
    • FAVS
    JasonLastnameKnockKnockGooseRogersIsland24trevor_barnardsamelpanpangieeveeHunnerGoMeowColbyInYourCup
    • 794
    • RETWEETS
    trevor_barnardboobysimmonsdbmubiavick__nateEasyOnTheBeach_ADAMMM_BenJacklin26aford84
    MrTurstKevinRicottaDJHouseSlippersdonni
  • OuterJohn
      John! @OuterJohn

    I hate it when I'm digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.

    • 861
    • FAVS
    Twobit333Burds_1pangieeveeChristianClemedpunmagnateBromanConsulwhiskey_teacupmaxhjc
    • 218
    • RETWEETS
    Twobit333JamesIkeguchiIamBhalla______moonshine01MexcnHouseMafialifes_a_beatweirdralphfunTweeters
    ashley_barnhillMarty3point0______Matt_Tice________ineedaballrubOneLinersPlusSuzeInkTrainedHedonistsenorwinces
  • OuterJohn
      John! @OuterJohn

    I'd say the best part of being ugly is never going into slow motion when I emerge from a swimming pool.

    • 706
    • FAVS
    dchaseoktrevor_barnardtextchimppangieeveeHunnerGoMeowKevlarDuragjosh0a_holtjarsenault02
    • 298
    • RETWEETS
    KarseltRocco_NicosiaHunnerGoMeowKevlarDuragjarsenault02MelanieArghStevenYarussiBrewsker
    AllTheUglyTruthvladchoc
  • OuterJohn
      John! @OuterJohn

    Bored? 1) Write "tree blood" on 5,000 ping pong balls 2) Dump them in a hollow tree 3) Wait for a lumberjack

    • 715
    • FAVS
    pangieeveeEmelieKronbergTonyChefemmymckenziepshahhhatzschmayeri_like_soup_dmceleven
    • 278
    • RETWEETS
    zxgravityxzcquigs12Rilpwebleslie_rincon_REAR_37_maggiephillipsPoonanniiiiiiKatieMo10
    TheDairylandDoncurlycomedylaurencesmb
  • OuterJohn
      John! @OuterJohn

    What if birds are just out of control napkins.

    • 553
    • FAVS
    BromanConsulMarieZam__________whiskey_teacupgreenteam15JewelDoleLollySassafrasBrentweetsyouturnmejon
    • 209
    • RETWEETS
    ICountBeansslordxelrondoh_no__notagainkatiebrookssMichaelScaliseQuailBuddyjustcarpiediemSammerChipmunk
    DJHouseSlippersSqueeb_SlayerTimothy_secondTitaniumToplassKyle_Lippert
  • OuterJohn
      John! @OuterJohn

    Keep talkin' shit, kangaroos. At least I'm not cargo pants with a face.

    • 522
    • FAVS
    trevor_barnardBurds_1HunnerGoMeowMorganTiller_MollyMoney_cutringsturtlesKevlarDuragTom_Briglia
    • 199
    • RETWEETS
    ColbyInYourCuphannahmech6tayyreadyTaterstotsniyaq_FolieADueceLoveAllTheMynlydapptrap
  • OuterJohn
      John! @OuterJohn

    "OH NO PYTHON whew just my nose. OH NO COBRA nope still my nose. OH NO RATTLESNAKE shit, nose. God I can't live like this." -Elephant

    • 450
    • FAVS
    pangieeveepunmagnatewhiskey_teacuptdugHome_HalfwayradicaljocyTheDairylandDontruebe
    • 209
    • RETWEETS
    J_OHHHHHepM0neydreamboateyesKyleTolliverBigRedKrautyoungfriedonionSmellyBallSacksbread_thing
    greenteam15inmynewskinSeanINCypressjuicymorsel
  • OuterJohn
      John! @OuterJohn

    I bet a turtle's last thought before getting run over is always, "I got this."

    • 517
    • FAVS
    Burds_1pangieeveeChristianClemedpunmagnateInkedUpKidderMarieZam__________dcongdonFunSizeBiddie
    • 128
    • RETWEETS
    MarieZam__________jwkemAskAuntieEm1amandajewel1277somnil0quistEagle_Visionwhiskey_teacupblovecorliss
    AgamemNOMNOMvaporcoffinbellicosejasonRoadfilm__________JordyHamrick______CoatCzechpatricksaleeby____HeyitsLori
  • OuterJohn
      John! @OuterJohn

    It's cool to visit Mount Rushmore and remember the good old days, when a four-headed rock monster was President.

    • 457
    • FAVS
    Burds_1pangieeveeHunnerGoMeowMarieZam__________whiskey_teacupmattchuck2Home_HalfwayTheDairylandDon
    • 158
    • RETWEETS
    HunnerGoMeowstealth_ikedsaperiajamesfhinzrich_robertstherealDBrightKaptainshitshowGuthrieTucker
    Mickey_McCauleydrugleafFattMernandezCameron_Sladeadamallday
  • OuterJohn
      John! @OuterJohn

    On dates I like to "accidentally" spill a briefcase filled with 25 of the rarest Beanie Babies™ you can possibly imagine.

    • 429
    • FAVS
    maxhjcHunnerGoMeowMarieZam__________whiskey_teacupnotoriousPOBaaydohelleosiliWallen9
    • 143
    • RETWEETS
    HunnerGoMeowBrewskerwhiskey_teacupaustinlazograce_trainijamesfhinzJ_HUFFman24november17
    u_jellicentmattelgatoDeanOkay
  • OuterJohn
      John! @OuterJohn

    Sometimes I go bow hunting with my uncle and when we find two good ones we put my hair in pigtails.

    • 422
    • FAVS
    Burds_1punmagnateburgerkrangHome_Halfwayjake_likes_napsmyles_morrisonJiminyKicksItroskosays
    • 75
    • RETWEETS
    jgilbertsegowood4sheepUglyPrick________crittendenxixkellanbcrylee_tree__AshtonJH24Melodramagic
    BillMc7lancevarnadoKim_pulsiveCroweJam
  • OuterJohn
      John! @OuterJohn

    ..C.r.a..p.!..A.n.t.s...a.r.e. .c.a.r.r..y..i..n.g...m.y..t.w..e.e..t...a.w..a.y..!..

    • 320
    • FAVS
    champiozzanticsDapperSociopathLisabug74punmagnatewhiskey_teacupdoingqigongjordanrachelleb
    • 163
    • RETWEETS
    champiozzanticsLisabug74punmagnateRoseIntriguing_Logannnnnnn5D_Newsalexjmann
    BeeStapler
  • OuterJohn
      John! @OuterJohn

    I hate when I'm drowning and a fish whispers, "I'm going to live inside your butt."

    • 373
    • FAVS
    punmagnategreenteam15Home_HalfwayTheDairylandDonvaporcoffinARobustLoofahshittylitMilkshakeAnyone__
    • 96
    • RETWEETS
    marisa_yaynotmotjusteIvyelleWright____MrTurstFoxeeliciousGinlicker________Standup_MikeMisstressNikki
    MrTurstDJHouseSlippersskitzoetteMurseBrianRNKaysNH4AyesCelebrityChez
  • OuterJohn
      John! @OuterJohn

    Here's me visiting my girlfriend in jail, as seen from above: %

    • 362
    • FAVS
    ChristianClemedMarieZam__________erica_rosieSCbchbumVinDAntonioLightJakeJoePolizzottiAustinNissen
    • 106
    • RETWEETS
    punmagnateVinDAntonioJ_Michael_TSpaingusmcsGretelSkywalkertomutwitrelatabledad
    Supersurly
  • OuterJohn
      John! @OuterJohn

    Sometimes when a girl tells me I'm "bad boy sexy" I'm so startled I spill my basket of fresh blueberries.

    • 331
    • FAVS
    viadearWatch7owerMarieZam__________whiskey_teacupnotoriousPOBgreenteam15corinnemlwswHome_Halfway
    • 111
    • RETWEETS
    Watch7owerJamesIkeguchijamesfhinzPAULEY_pocketwood4sheepBigRedKrautamelialikesyouDangDeLucia
    spotswoj
  • OuterJohn
      John! @OuterJohn

    I am out of breath. This is the hardest I've ever laughed. This is it, guys. It has all lead to this moment. http://t.co/1ugVjWwB

    • 359
    • FAVS
    Twobit333MoDollar16Burds_1apopagasm_clairechanuniglitterwhatHolly9876543ruth_truong
    • 70
    • RETWEETS
    Twobit333DustinSwanksweeniersjayTpottersethmcduffee______yotengopazmattgoodloe24RobinEMuller
    Llib_NotwalLouisPeitzman
  • OuterJohn
      John! @OuterJohn

    Nobody hates airport security more than ol' Bombface McSwordfingers.

    • 331
    • FAVS
    notoriousPOBHome_HalfwayTheDairylandDonTheThomasonARobustLoofahJakeCarkuffJiminyKicksItMilkshakeAnyone__
    • 86
    • RETWEETS
    abracagigiwhittneyhyslipspazrunsnyCheers_Fuckfacejahan_tysontechl0ligy________jaykohanCalhounMB
    MrTurst_FitsNShitsadamalldayoriginaljackass__wheatnik
  • OuterJohn
      John! @OuterJohn

    Pour motor oil over a stack of CDs. Ta-da! Robot pancakes.

    • 349
    • FAVS
    greenteam15Home_HalfwayTheDairylandDonTheThomasonJiminyKicksItJasonBerlinmeatlobesspazrunsny
    • 67
    • RETWEETS
    J_OHHHHHjoe_stehlinEma_Cigerovatechl0ligy________ArtemisLoud_solarflareCool_JesseJaySaysStuff
    laurencesmb
  • OuterJohn
      John! @OuterJohn

    We actually have no idea how many clouds are really poodles who got addicted to helium.

    • 297
    • FAVS
    ChristianClemedMarieZam__________whiskey_teacupgreenteam15Omega_J12Home_Halfwayradicaljocyninatreemonkey
    • 104
    • RETWEETS
    llyndslvFRESHRealtyMarieZam__________radicaljocynats_mix_tapeMsHannahAtlantaTheDairylandDonMarshall_Lolz
    donni
@OuterJohn

@OuterJohn

Hard-boiled mystery/thriller.