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  • OuterJohn
      John! @OuterJohn

    Probably our scariest president was that pyramid with the big eye on top.

    • 1,276
    • FAVS
    whoshitinmyteaafairiesweeteardonion_ringcoalslagmaxhjcestattinBurds_1pangieevee__
    • 769
    • RETWEETS
    JohnCarterCSAafairiesweetearcoalslag96bhhwalztutuMarieZam__________jsnprknkillbendrnach
    MurseBrianRNrorynotroyIntoxicaTweetedSquirreljusticeTitaniumToplassSarcasmo718sweet_toof
  • OuterJohn
      John! @OuterJohn

    1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater

    • 1,204
    • FAVS
    whoshitinmyteaJCH999afairiesweeteardonion_ringcoalslagphilboxallnathanwelterTemporarilyTom
    • 814
    • RETWEETS
    endless_decayafairiesweetearcoalslagashleydelillebizmichael96bhhJoannaOrmondeZane_Kugamore
    MrTurstKevinRicottaDJHouseSlippersdonni
  • OuterJohn
      John! @OuterJohn

    I hate it when I'm digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.

    • 872
    • FAVS
    unFinishdObjectJCH999afairiesweetearThePaaawnShoplindaf1529minnie_in_pink7coalslagbmoviemarathon
    • 224
    • RETWEETS
    afairiesweetearminnie_in_pink7UncleBob56coalslagbizmichael96bhhTwobit333JamesIkeguchi
    ashley_barnhillMarty3point0______Matt_Tice________mugkipOneLinersPlus__SuzeInkTrainedHedonistsenorwinces
  • OuterJohn
      John! @OuterJohn

    I'd say the best part of being ugly is never going into slow motion when I emerge from a swimming pool.

    • 707
    • FAVS
    coalslagphilboxallvictoriarymelljahoolopyneptunesnachoslilooetCityNutsackJeni_Decker
    • 308
    • RETWEETS
    coalslagjahoolopyneptunesnachosGoFrankGoCityNutsackJeni_Deckerjamiegambellbizmichael
    AllTheUglyTruthvladchoc
  • OuterJohn
      John! @OuterJohn

    Bored? 1) Write "tree blood" on 5,000 ping pong balls 2) Dump them in a hollow tree 3) Wait for a lumberjack

    • 722
    • FAVS
    endless_decayafairiesweetearfreebirdy31coalslagBTopsznbizmichaelCornOnTheGoblinpangieevee__
    • 282
    • RETWEETS
    endless_decayafairiesweetearcoalslag96bhhzxgravityxzcquigs12Rilpwebleslie_rincon_
    TheDairylandDoncurlycomedylaurencesmb
  • OuterJohn
      John! @OuterJohn

    Keep talkin' shit, kangaroos. At least I'm not cargo pants with a face.

    • 615
    • FAVS
    afairiesweetearcoalslagSpencerFos22janaewaterrosadacatCurvyOdditytheevilwriterDan_O_Boyle
    • 243
    • RETWEETS
    afairiesweetearcoalslag96bhhnaultville__2Cs1Z4crps8kRiguy_rsmetzger
  • OuterJohn
      John! @OuterJohn

    What if birds are just out of control napkins.

    • 558
    • FAVS
    afairiesweeteardonion_ringblonderaider21coalslagbizmichaelBromanConsulMarieZam__________whiskey_teacup
    • 211
    • RETWEETS
    coalslag96bhhICountBeansslordxelrondviolabonesjoneskatiebrookssMichaelScaliseQuailBuddy
    DJHouseSlippersSqueeb_SlayerTimothy_secondTitaniumToplassKyle_Lippert
  • OuterJohn
      John! @OuterJohn

    "OH NO PYTHON whew just my nose. OH NO COBRA nope still my nose. OH NO RATTLESNAKE shit, nose. God I can't live like this." -Elephant

    • 450
    • FAVS
    pangieevee__punmagnatewhiskey_teacuptdugHome_HalfwayradicaljocyTheDairylandDontruebe
    • 210
    • RETWEETS
    96bhhJ_OHHHHHepM0neydreamboateyesKyleTolliverBigRedKrautIceCreamMac10SmellyBallSacks
    greenteam15inmynewskinSeanInCypressjuicymorsel
  • OuterJohn
      John! @OuterJohn

    I bet a turtle's last thought before getting run over is always, "I got this."

    • 520
    • FAVS
    afairiesweetearBonniferCcoalslagBurds_1pangieevee__ChristianClemedpunmagnateInkedUpKidder
    • 130
    • RETWEETS
    coalslag96bhhMarieZam__________jwkemAskAuntieEm1amandajewel1277somnil0quistEagle_Vision
    AgamemNOMNOMvaporcoffinbellicosejasonRoadfilm__________JordyHamrick______CoatCzechpatricksaleeby____HeyitsLori
  • OuterJohn
      John! @OuterJohn

    It's cool to visit Mount Rushmore and remember the good old days, when a four-headed rock monster was President.

    • 473
    • FAVS
    clairecollins28contagiousboobrachelle_mandikCarolineCaseycuriousteejsmellthewalletEricJonEvansDrMonicaQuezada
    • 167
    • RETWEETS
    MarkBret71Hazmi_Menexenusleechee420ZirconpartialWhervrIMayRoamafairiesweetearImFunnyAndStuffcoalslag
    Mickey_McCauleydrugleafFattMernandezCameron_Sladeadamallday
  • OuterJohn
      John! @OuterJohn

    On dates I like to "accidentally" spill a briefcase filled with 25 of the rarest Beanie Babies™ you can possibly imagine.

    • 429
    • FAVS
    maxhjcHunnerGoMeowMarieZam__________whiskey_teacupnotoriousPOBaaydohelleosiliWallen9
    • 144
    • RETWEETS
    96bhhHunnerGoMeowBrewskerwhiskey_teacupaustinlazograce_trainijamesfhinzJ_HUFFman24
    u_jellicentmattelgatodaplusk
  • OuterJohn
      John! @OuterJohn

    Sometimes I go bow hunting with my uncle and when we find two good ones we put my hair in pigtails.

    • 430
    • FAVS
    tiReynardMannabouttowngill_janCheeneejuking6afairiesweeteardonion_ringcoalslag
    • 81
    • RETWEETS
    tiReynardjuking6Traceykemp8afairiesweetearcoalslag96bhhjgilbertsegowood4sheep
    BillMc7lancevarnadoKim_pulsiveCroweJam
  • OuterJohn
      John! @OuterJohn

    ..C.r.a..p.!..A.n.t.s...a.r.e. .c.a.r.r..y..i..n.g...m.y..t.w..e.e..t...a.w..a.y..!..

    • 323
    • FAVS
    tiReynarddonion_ringcoalslagprodigiszanticsDapperSociopathLisabug74punmagnate
    • 166
    • RETWEETS
    tiReynardcoalslag96bhhprodigiszanticsLisabug74punmagnateRoseIntriguing
    BeeStapler
  • OuterJohn
      John! @OuterJohn

    I hate when I'm drowning and a fish whispers, "I'm going to live inside your butt."

    • 375
    • FAVS
    tiReynardcoalslagpunmagnategreenteam15Home_HalfwayTheDairylandDonvaporcoffinARobustLoofah
    • 99
    • RETWEETS
    tiReynardcoalslag96bhhmarisa_yaynotmotjusteIvyelleWright____MrTurstFoxeelicious
    MrTurstDJHouseSlippersskitzoetteMurseBrianRNKaysNH4AyesCelebrityChez
  • OuterJohn
      John! @OuterJohn

    Here's me visiting my girlfriend in jail, as seen from above: %

    • 363
    • FAVS
    coalslagChristianClemedMarieZam__________erica_rosieSCbchbumVinDAntonioLightJakeJoePolizzotti
    • 108
    • RETWEETS
    coalslag96bhhpunmagnateVinDAntonioJ_Michael_TSpaingusmcsGretelSkywalker
    Supersurly
  • OuterJohn
      John! @OuterJohn

    Sometimes when a girl tells me I'm "bad boy sexy" I'm so startled I spill my basket of fresh blueberries.

    • 331
    • FAVS
    viadearWatch7owerMarieZam__________whiskey_teacupnotoriousPOBgreenteam15corinnemlwswHome_Halfway
    • 112
    • RETWEETS
    96bhhWatch7owerJamesIkeguchijamesfhinzPAULEY_pocketwood4sheepBigRedKrautamelialikesyou
    spotswoj
  • OuterJohn
      John! @OuterJohn

    I am out of breath. This is the hardest I've ever laughed. This is it, guys. It has all lead to this moment. http://t.co/1ugVjWwB

    • 362
    • FAVS
    96bhhlwilde_jamesfhinzTwobit333MoDollar16Burds_1apopagasm_clairechan
    • 72
    • RETWEETS
    favstar_historyjamesfhinzTwobit333DustinSwanksweeniersjayTpottersethmcduffee______yotengopaz
    Llib_NotwalLouisPeitzman
  • OuterJohn
      John! @OuterJohn

    Pour motor oil over a stack of CDs. Ta-da! Robot pancakes.

    • 353
    • FAVS
    tiReynarddonion_ringBackBayBubblycoalslaggreenteam15Home_HalfwayTheDairylandDonTheThomason
    • 69
    • RETWEETS
    coalslag96bhhJ_OHHHHHjoe_stehlinEma_Cigerovatechl0ligy________ArtemisLoud_solarflare
    laurencesmb
  • OuterJohn
      John! @OuterJohn

    Nobody hates airport security more than ol' Bombface McSwordfingers.

    • 331
    • FAVS
    notoriousPOBHome_HalfwayTheDairylandDonTheThomasonARobustLoofahJakeCarkuffJiminyKicksItMilkshakeAnyone__
    • 87
    • RETWEETS
    96bhhabracagigiwhittneyhyslipspazrunsnyCheers_Fuckfacejahan_tysontechl0ligy________jaykohan
    MrTurst_FitsNShitsadamalldayoriginaljackass__wheatnik
  • OuterJohn
      John! @OuterJohn

    We actually have no idea how many clouds are really poodles who got addicted to helium.

    • 298
    • FAVS
    coalslagChristianClemedMarieZam__________whiskey_teacupgreenteam15Omega_J12Home_Halfwayradicaljocy
    • 107
    • RETWEETS
    coalslag96bhhshadowbottlellyndslvFRESHRealtyMarieZam__________radicaljocynats_mix_tape
    donni
@OuterJohn

@OuterJohn

From the outermost reaches of the cosmos!