Hey..people who drive cars that look like cop cars.. no one likes you.

They should make realistic pregnancy test commercials. 2 best friends in a bathroom praying for a neg & celebrating w a shot & a happy dance

Yall remember that one Christmas where we all got CK1 cologne and the Ace of Base cd? Good times.

You can never fully appreciate how many commercials there are that have a doorbell sound in them, until you have a dog that thinks its real.

Covered in a thin layer of vicks vapor rub and clearasil in case you're wondering who's bringing sexy back.

To the teen winking at me in traffic..please kid, I'm old enough to be your hot young future stepmom.

Not sure if its worse that I actually OWN Vagisil..or that I just accidentally brushed my teeth with it.

The best way to kill me would be to fart into my sleep apnea machine & send a fartcloud barreling down my throat at 30 mph. Probably.

Daughter came home bragging about the star she got on her homework. I was all..call me when you get 50, I'm kind of a big deal.

Going from Twitter to FB is like being in a dark smoky stripper club all night & when you leave its sunny out, &3 pm on a Tues..I'm guessing

You either have a MILF ass or a mom butt. Check yourself before you subject the rest of us to yoga pants in public. And yes, I'm looking.

Spent too long in vaca mode.. my work pants have gotten so tight I look like a hostess from chilis

Love the women on twitter who are hot enough to be dirty..but sexy enough not to.

Giving out a trophy too early must be what its like to bang a girl & find out after she had a hotter sluttier friend u could of had instead.

Spent 5 minutes trying to unlock my office door with the car key clicker, so yeah, I piss excellence.

Love watching my kid do gymnastics. She's got the form and grace of a young Shrek

It was between a Favstar account or paying the water bill. But please, I'm not going to scroll through TL's like some kind of immigrant.

Nothing makes me feel like more of a whore than starfucking someone and not even getting a follow *head down, walk of shame back to TL..*

Anyone know how to get glitter, sand, and regret put of a lint trap??

So you just starred about 15 of my tweet & left me hangin w the RT. Excuse me while I finish myself off alone in the bathroom. Like a LADY.