dress for the job you want. wear pajamas.

once you start eating a banana, you're in it until the end.

Not working out is not working out.

saying "The" when talking about how much you love The Mountain Goats is important to prevent weird looks from people around you.

I was just thinking I needed some new toothbrush heads and my dad walked in with a whole bag of them from work. I just wasted a wish.

to the laundry room...to the shower....then to infinity. and beyond.

Incredibly geeky line that would work on me: "I want to Ctrl+S this moment with you."

I hope the Texans win so I can do one of my favorite things- annoy my family by jumping on the fan wagon & pretend I was there all along.

I thought I knew what it was like to feel old but then I saw the Old Navy commercial with the Griswold family.

Coming out of the flu finally ... I'm catching up on twitter so, nearly there now ...

I would never rather be fishing.

Don't spend an afternoon at the mall with your teenage sister unless you want to look our dystopian future in the face.

If I ever ran for office, my platform would be based on public bathroom stall doors that go all the way to the floor.

I'm alone in the office and have soup on my chin. Everyone else is in a meeting I'm obviously too powerful and sophisticated to be in.

I just ended an argument with my dad by calmly saying, "aaaaaand scene." I obviously wasn't winning.

I'm actually watching soccer, I mean football... I mean, fútbol. #telemundo

I think maturity is knowing when something is really dumb even if a lot of people think it's great.

Voicemail: "You called earlier about your phone not being able to receive calls but we can't seem to get a hold of you to help." - T-mobile

PSA for people born after 1992: Arrested Development's resurrection is more than cool, it's a big deal. Also you may want to rethink college

@raycrackthesky thank you! I'm pretty set in my online ways for now. but change is good.