You could save a lot of money on life insurance by becoming immortal.

I like to clap at the people that speed/cut you off and then hit a red light.

Bravo bitch. You made it there 2 seconds before me.

You wouldn't believe how much money you can save when you don't pay your bills.

I'm telling you its genius.

When I see a kite on the power lines, I always pour a little out for the homie who lost it.

The baby keeps yelling "don't look at me" while obviously using the corner to poop her diaper.

I totally won the "which parent are you more afraid of?" game!!

Awesome!

Don't you hate when you go to spit and you almost puke?



Yeah.

Gay pizza dude just challenged me to a game of words w/friends.

Told him, "your going down."

Like he hasn't heard that before.

Know the creepy person standing in the dark staring at nothin in the living room?


Yeah that was me.

I go walking after midnight searching for you.

-Patsy Cline singing to her dealer.

Saw a dead animal on the side of the road, made me think of you guys.

Why pay to inject botulism into your face when you can rub a rotten chicken on it for free?

#Botox

I may have a bad attitude but at least my hair is magnificent.

Some people really can't take a good "your dog was hit by my car" joke this early in the morning.

If Stuart Little lived here he'd be a dead motherfucker.

Bruised the shit out of my toe kicking a weed yesterday.

Well played mother earth.
Well played.

My kid just told me I was in her space bubble.
I told her, "I'll show you space kid."

I like my babes like I like my buds: fluffy and green.


umm, did I do that right?

The next person that walks by and ignores my hello is getting sprayed in the face with perfume.

I'll kill everyone here for a guac turkey burger.

That's on dogs.