I just had an epiphany. Unfortunately, it's 141 characters long.

I celebrate 4:30 because it usually takes me ten minutes to find my lighter.

If I had a girlfriend she would be a brunette with a big butt. She would also be dead at the hands of my wife.

Sometimes when my wife isn't looking, I sneak a peek into her purse.

Just to say hi to my balls.

I told the 3 year old that mommy is on her period. She put her bike helmet on and hid in the corner.

Pro Tip: When picking up women, lift with your knees.

I quit drinking because little girls learn what makes a good man from their daddy.

When I finally stroke out, I want my wife to find a new dude by holding a "finish this tweet" contest for the one I was typing when I died.

I played cards with a chick once. She called my bluff and beat me with a pair, now we have a full house.

Every time I see a fresh box of tampons in my house, I dance a little jig.

A cheeseburger without bacon is like sex without love. Still pretty awesome.

Saw three 15 year old boys totally ignore a cute chick in a bikini today. These god damned 'smart' phones are gonna be the end of us all.

Giving up Twitter is like trying to walk away from a titty full of vodka.

I could write a book on parenting, if I could get these kids to shut the fuck up.

If Crayola were to name a crayon after me, I think they'd call it "Farmer's Tan".

If Jesus had a Boston accent, Texans wouldn't like him so much.

Fuck your wife like she's your girlfriend and she'll stop acting like your mother. #protip.

I couldn't spank my kids if I wanted to. Just seems creepy after all the practicing I've done with their mother.

WTF? My "Women of Twitter" calendar arrived six months late.

And it's full of dudes.

Twitter is like a simile factory.