Not to sound so Asian, but my rice cooker just broke.

The word 'bukkake' is so popular on here, I had to run it through Google.

I'm trying to clear my history my hands are shaking wtf you guys

Struggling to parallel park in front of bystanders and praying to God they don't notice I'm asian.

My answer to every dilemma today is "Here, hit this."

If she's mad at you, send her a sweet text. Don't be afraid to throw a winky face in there somewhere, bitches love that

Twitter, thanks for NOT existing while I was in college.

Oh, Hell is real. It exists for people who answer questions with a story.

When 'Single Ladies' come on at weddings, I don't rush out to the dance floor because that's when all the Stage 5 stalkers do a head count.

Women take LONG to get ready because while getting dressed, we dance in our underwear, excited to see you.

So fuck your complaining.

You are the Betelgeuse to my Orion and I want to make you explode like the dirty type ll supernova that you are, you luminous supergiant you

Clerk at the gas station claims he'll marry me when I turn 18. I've been 17 for the past three years now.

I hear you give good vocab. Wanna come back to my place? We can Scrabble all night.

Based on my killer origami skills, I should be able to roll a decent blunt by now. But nope. Just paper cranes.

I would never own a dog because if the little shit started barking at a corner that means ghosts are real

I know what your Chinese symbol tattoo REALLY means, but I will lie & say 'Love.'

I smoke because most likely, I will die from tweeting and driving anyway. Might as well die while I'm high.

Please don't ask me where this relationship is going because I will only answer ambiguously like, 'baby I just need more cowbell'

Fuck what you can. We're all doomed, anyway.

I hate when shit hits the fan. SHIT EVERYWHERE.

Currently at STAPLES. I'm high enough to attempt making a laser copy of my ass, but not high enough to climb onto this copy machine.