I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.

How has sound technology come so far & yet the McDonalds drive-thru still sounds like someone is farting into a walkie-talkie?

I can usually tell how productive I've been at work, by the battery life of my phone.

Tampon commercials create such an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.

I can't believe you bitches piss down your own leg in the shower.

Give marriage 6 months and you'll stop looking before you cross the street.

Nipples: Nature's thermometer.

Can't wait to get home and eat the rest of my ole' ladies moose knuckle.

Ahhh shit...I just came and sneezed at the same time and now my urethra is hanging out of my penis.

Did the laundry for the first time ever. Does everyone shit themselves in this house..Hell! My wifes thong looked like a mini Snickers bar.

"Happiness is a cop car turning his lights on behind you and immediately going past you"....~A drunk driver probably

I don't need a 'Twitter crush' ...I got all I can handle over on Craigslist.

Let me tell you what! You haven't lived until you overhear a bum tell another bum, "You need to get your shit together".

What did I do on 12/12/12 @12:12...I aimlessly searched for a bathroom stall with a door on it.

My wife loves it when I make the bed! http://t.co/M7NN6fyw

Fact: Waylon Jennings never drank iced coffee.

"My donkey fell in your waffle hole"<--------I'll surely never get to 200 followers w/ stupid tweets like this.

I wish I had little black people to set up in the sink when I dump the dirty h20 from my steam cleaner, just so I could remember Hati.

Took the opportunity while my kids were eating snow to explain the dangers of Carcinogens. I'm pretty sure I ruined their Christmas.

A cop just pulled me over and said, "papers"? So I said, "scissors" I win and drove away.