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My daughter threw baby Jesus from the Fisher Price nativity set into the trash can. #soproud
That cop killer guy graduated from my high school!
for those of you wondering what dan heed's voice sounds like: picture the narrator from The Sandlot mixed with RuPaul. you're halfway there.
With her dress flowing in the wind, Florence's whip cracked in the air, breaking the unsullied skins of her Machinists.
"i love that u r sooo hot and such a liberal." #thingsneversaidtoME
His eyes quickly darted back and forth, the sweat dripping down his brow. 66. 62. 58 characters left..
Last night proved that, like some sort of werewolf, Dan Heed's shirt comes off ever Saturday night after midnight. No matter what.
Sorry my last wife tweet didn't make much sense. I'm sitting on the toilet waiting for this last dingleberry to drop from my asshole hair.
..and the Pilgrims & Indians came together in order to give thanks and celebrate the peacefulness that FFFOOOOOOOOOOOOTTTTTBBBBBAAAALLLLLLLL
I believe it was Thoreau who once said "My life is like a Stoll upon the beach, As near the ocean’s edge as I can go."
Where my daughter pees on my leg during the jungle cruise and only AFTER said piss session does she sadly mutter "peepee." #disneyland
I just returned from the horrible, dark abyss known as going to the bathroom at work without my cell phone
My wife just searched YouTube for dan heed #notworried
there are few things in this world that bring me more joy than driving through the UCI campus every morning at 8:45 blasting uncensored rap.
Have an unexpected baby so you don't drink as often and then drink 1 coors light that will have you feeling buzzed #lifehacks
I hate Brian Brown. I'm a Virgo and most of my tweets are 100% true.