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Can't believe my bagel pic has failed to gain notoriety at midnight:30 on a Tuesday across 3 different social media platforms.
America is my 13 year old sister dictating her math homework into Siri.
Sarah Palin giving an earnest speech about how we had Cash Hope & Jobs during Bush's presidency. "It was 9-11 years ago..." *Bush winks*
Sometimes I pee with the door open, just to feel something...
Please sign here to join my petition to have "THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING" added to the Banned Books list for use of the phrase "TROLL-HOLE."
Review of Graduation 2013
All performers wore the same gown. Half the time they were CLEARLY men. Worst drag show EVER, would not recommend
"Is Pepsi ok?"
"I don't know, is IRRATIONAL ANGER OK?!"
Saw a little kid wearing socks with sandals just completely eat it on some stairs, and I was like, "That's what you get..."
I just googled "blue period" and I'm getting a bunch of shit about Picasso instead of medical advice. #helpplease #isthereadoctorinthehouse
I bet Jesus would've let gay people eat at his restaurant--even on a Sunday. #chikfila
*Obama at opening of wind power plant*
"And we all know I'm a HUGE FAN OF--dammit, Biden!"
*Biden and Malia high five*
I just brushed a small island worth of sand out of my pubic hair.
Watchin Phantom of the Opera. Volume's all turnt up n so am I
Million dollar idea: scratch n sniff tattoos. Get on it, science.
I will never do anything "in the Mormon," autocorrect. Please stop telling people that I will.
Probably my fav thing about myself is that I'll never be anyone's uncle.