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Nothing says "I love you" like an assfucking at four a.m.
My eight-year-old son just told my six-year-old son I fed them with my breasts when they were babies. Then the six-year-old said, "Awesome!"
Babies are really cute so we won't eat them, but I think they're small so we could eat them if necessary.
If your dick is in my mouth, I can listen to whatever kind of music I want. So shut up and come already, I said to my college-age neighbor.
If I star multiple tweets of yours, it means that I'm thinking about you while masturbating. Yes, even if you're a chick or a muppet, grova.
If I star the shit out of you tonight, will you still follow me in the morning?
Mommy will stop tweeting when you learn how to make her coffee right.
Gave my ex-BF some helpful advice for his next GF: "Make sure that she doesn't like cunnilingus." Was that too harsh? Just tryin' to help...
Mommy tweets because you're bad.
It's great because all of you guys rolled out together in one feed make the perfect boyfriend who never sleeps. I love you. Let's fuck hard.
I'd like to start a social networking site for those who enjoy giving and receiving facials. I'll call it Facebukkake.
Is cuntnugget a word? Okay, good.
Who do i hafta blow to get a paycheck around here? Oh right, my porn boss. Nevermind.
Maybe if you weren't so boring, Mommy wouldn't tweet so much.
I'm all about compromise...negotiation...and meeting people in the middle...of their pants.
I may or may not RT or star you, but that's only because I'm so busy laughing my phat ass off at all the funny shit you people come up with!
Ladies ~ if you run out of Midol, try my recipe: 2 cups of coffee, 400 mg of ibuprofen, 440 mg of naproxen sodium, and a fuckton of heroin.
Jeez Louise, i was joking about cyberfucking your husband. I just cybersucked him the one time and let him cybertittyfuck me. CALM DOWN.
Dear everyone who thinks *your* photo of the snow where you live is somehow special enough to share here on Twitter or Tumblr,
My firstborn son just informed me that he will name *his* firstborn son Jedi Stormtoilet.