The voices in my head said, "Take your medicine" I replied, "I'm not taking any medicine". The voices said "I'm not talking to you, stupid".

Is there a law against keeping any midgets that you catch? Also, how big should the holes in the jar lid be?

At a gas station watching 40 Asians loading on to a bus. I can't quit hearing "Previously on Lost" in my head for some reason.

And, when Christians pray I whisper to them, "Tell Him I said hello."

I realize how gay board games are every time I have to take one out of the closet.

I'm gonna start lying straight to the back of people's heads. They get too angry when I lie straight to their face.

The last guy musta been psychic. No way he could have known how much I love wiping another dude's piss off the seat before I shit. Amazing!

My creative genius went to take a shit about a week ago and hasn't come back since.

That John guy from John & Kate plus 8 is a bastard. I'm glad he's not my husband. Mostly because that would make me gay.

Chains and whips excite Rihanna. They did the same for Vlad the Impaler. I hate them both equally.

Wife says the neighbor's kid has A-D-D. I don't think so. I'm pretty sure the kid has R-E-TARD.

"@wwwbigbaldhead: http://t.co/nYhNiqqd" Now if I can get a celebrity follow out of it from NR it'll be the best day ever..hint, hint...haha.

"@wwwbigbaldhead: http://t.co/nYhNiqqd" Holy crap, this is awesome! Thanks for posting this! My son thinks he's a rockstar now!

Pt, 'd lk t by 8 vwls.

I try not to throw away styrofoam because I hate white trash.

Remember when saying "and this one time...at band camp" was both funny and culturally relevant. Well, it's neither anymore so please stop.

"For Birds about to Flock...We Salute You." #dumbACDCsongtitlealternatives

Ever accidentally heard your mom having sex? Well, I have. And it's disgusting. (I heard your mom having sex, not mine.)

@bigbadblake sounds just like my ideas for Mississippiville. But, mine involves a great deal more incest.

Every time I see P Diddy act in something I think to myself, "I hate watching P Diddy act in something."