So she wants her hair pulled violently during sex...but if I leave the toilet seat up, I'm an ass. I present to you, the female mind.

I'm no gynecologist, but I'll take a look.

You wanna be a hero? Play with your child, attend one of their school functions. Love them.

My twitter crush dm'd me and asked if she could have my baby. Crazy bitch, I don't even have a baby!

You can't fix stupid, but you sure as hell can fuck it.

One thing you'll never see me do is try to hurt or belittle anyone. Love each other, this world has enough problems. Be a solution.

I'm only two girls away from a threesome

It is your job as a man to take care of your family and make every woman you come in contact with feel beautiful. Man up gents.

Why do all the women on my timeline have to be so damn sexy...if I get a divorce, it's your fault you bunch of whores.

I love women, and not just for the head and sandwiches. Their emotions touch me and shit.

Why does twitter always have to be about sex and bacon. There's other things to life too. Ya know like alcohol and gummi bears.

A dude Dm'd me and asked me why the ladies love me on here. I told him maybe because I respect them all and I've never asked for pics...

Threesome. Sounds hot, but I'm not sure I'm comfortable with disappointing 2 girls at once.

Great sex starts with an even greater imagination.

I love when bill collectors ask if you can borrow the money...uh I did that before and I think we both know how that turned out.

Pussy is the only food I've ever eaten I didn't mind finding hair in it.

Twitter is so worth exploring. In all honesty, it's beautiful with its huge cast of characters.

Sorry Ladies, but my age and my junk won't permit me to wear skinny jeans...

When my wife left me, I fed, bathed and potty trained my son. I tended to all his bumps and bruises. I proudly consider myself a Milf.

If twitter were a girl, I'd love her so much, I'd take her behind the middle school and get her pregnant