I was sober for twelve years ..........then I turned thirteen.

Refusing to adhere to acceptable time constraints, I'm drinking my first effing glass of wine, dammit.

ME: Rate your pain level on a scale from 1 to 10.
DUMBASS PATIENT: Maam, I never was any good at math.

"I'm not happy" -patients reason for calling 911 at 2am.

its 4pm and I just woke up. How's that for Slackerville? To all my patients who kept me up last night: GET A JOB!!!

DRUNK BYSTANDER: "I'm trying to give him CPR but he won't let me!"
ME: "Perhaps you should ponder that for a bit."

Yes, that is the thing that shocks you, you drunk, stereotypical redneck. It's called a defibrillator. Let me show you how it works....

It has come to my attention that I am physically unable to transfer ice from the freezer to my glass without dropping some on the floor.