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I don't tweet on the toilet, it's hard for crap to come out of two orifices at the same time.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
WHAT?!? it's ok to talk to strangers now?!? I'm 32, when did this become ok?!?
Masturbation does not make you go blind, and if it does? Good shot, you should have been an x-wing pilot.
Dudes with pony tails thank you for stopping me from being bottom of the barrel.
If you don't have anything horrible to say, then don't say it at all......AND get your pretentious ass off Twitter, freak.
Liking you makes me hate myself.
If we did have aliens happily living amongst us, there's a pretty good chance they left the planet when we started wearing Crocs.
Yes i'm skinny, so what?!? You could say i'm 'ribbed for your pleasure'.
You can actually see my heart on Google Earth, it's the small object that orbits my ego.
I really have no motivation or inspiration today, maybe i should write for Leno.
The only excerise i got today was the mini heart attack when i couldn't find my wallet.
The world is my oyster and I'm suffocating inside its shell.
If you can't write funny tweets about yourself because life is too great please feel free to use me as a pathetic muse.
I'm going to get a girlfriend with fake tan, then cheat on her with another girl with fake tan. Not knowingly. They just all look the same.
Flirting doesn't make me dishonest & untrustworthy, it just means I like to see people laugh & it's the best way to make their boobs wobble.
I don't make the same mistake twice, in fact the seventh or eighth time i'm still happy to accept failure.
Hey girls with fake tan and pouting lips. Everytime you post a picture on Facebook, a natural, untouched beauty gets her wings.
The sexual tension at work today was difficult, especially when you consider i work for myself.
Most people with superiority complexes aren't very complex at all....
The world is my oyster, and i'm suffocating inside its shell. Aged 18+ followers only please :