Fact: no matter what you think ladies you are sexier after 30 than before.

Apparently watching your lover sleep is only romantic when they know who you are.

I called one of those numbers in the bathroom stall and my wife answered. Very funny guys.

I haven't fucked my wife in a year and she's 6 weeks pregnant. Take that people that don't believe in miracles.

Some day "gay rights" will simply be known as "human rights" and the term "gay community" will no longer exist. I can't wait for that day.

I never knew my mechanic was a psychic until he loudly announced that I had blown a tranny in my car.

Twitter, because I owe people on Facebook money.

Oh you have morals? You must be new here.

You're batshit crazy I'm fucking fearless, let's make this trainwreck happen.

My wife is upset, apparently I'm breathing wrong again.

I think it's just about time to sit my 9yr old down and give her the "Your mom is a pyscho and you're probably gonna end up one too" speech.

My wife and I play trivia pursuit a lot, it's where she ignores me until I correctly guess what I did wrong.

Thought I had $707 in my bank account, turns out it was "LOL" and I was holding my statement upside down.

Behind every bat shit crazy chick is a complete fucking asshole who made her that way.

My wife and I have the cutest nicknames for each other. She is my buttercup and i'm her useless sack of shit.

I wish "you dumbass" was an appropriate way to end a work email.

New to Twitter? You're doing it wrong. Don't even ask what you're doing wrong just know that it is wrong.

I wish I was dead. This is an inspirational tweet for those of you thinking about getting married.

Twitter is just proof that as adults most of us still can't be left unsupervised.

Women are actually pretty simple when you do exactly what they tell you to do.