I had a near death experience, and I saw heaven. People were screaming and there was fire everywhere. It was glorious.

If I post a pic of my wife's vagina, can you guys be adult and without joking around, tell me what you think.

Animals don't wipe their asses and they're doin' great.

My asshole's having a bad hair day.

If your lawyer has a ponytail or a cowboy hat, you're going to jail.

I bet Wonder Woman was a squirter.

I'm doing impressions on twitter now, here's my friend Ted's dad, "Let me suck your dick, I won't tell Ted", if you knew him, it's perfect.

Those aren't skid marks, they're rear tears. My ass cries brown.

My penis fell asleep, so I drew pictures of my face all over it.

I just "Shazamed" a fart and Maroon 5's entire library came up.

I'm sick of Libya. Let's bomb Chad, not the country, but Chad, the dick on my block with two jet-skis.

If you're over 35 and on a bicycle, you're going to get beer.

This winter I'm going to cum my name in the snow, you won't be able to see it, but I'll know it was there.

After we murder Gaddafi, who gets all of his sunglasses? I'm serious, those fuckers are bad ass.

Well he did it again. My neighbor's dog ecaped from his yard, broke in my house, got out the peanut butter and smeared it on my nuts.

At my funeral I'm going to have a Sharpie chained to the coffin so friends can draw one last dick on my face.

Never fuck a turtle, it takes him forever to leave in the morning.

I stuck a "Fuck You Japan" bumper sticker on my neighbor Neil's car. I hate you Neil.

Turns out Bin Laden did it all for a Klondike Bar.

"Make sure they use a female chicken on my chicken sandwich, I don't want to accidentally eat a chicken dick."- Me, to the guy at BK