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I finally taught my son about the birds and the bees, he was little confused about why a bird would take a shit on a bee's chest.
I had a near death experience, and I saw heaven. People were screaming and there was fire everywhere. It was glorious.
Last night I went out to dinner with my in-laws, and their cunt daughter.
If I post a pic of my wife's vagina, can you guys be adult and without joking around, tell me what you think.
My wife needs some new friends, I'm tired of beating off to the ones she has now.
Animals don't wipe their asses and they're doin' great.
My asshole's having a bad hair day.
How many stamps go on an envelope with a fart in it?
If your lawyer has a ponytail or a cowboy hat, you're going to jail.
I bet Wonder Woman was a squirter.
I'm doing impressions on twitter now, here's my friend Ted's dad, "Let me suck your dick, I won't tell Ted", if you knew him, it's perfect.
Those aren't skid marks, they're rear tears. My ass cries brown.
My penis fell asleep, so I drew pictures of my face all over it.
I just "Shazamed" a fart and Maroon 5's entire library came up.
I'm sick of Libya. Let's bomb Chad, not the country, but Chad, the dick on my block with two jet-skis.
If you're over 35 and on a bicycle, you're going to get beer.
This winter I'm going to cum my name in the snow, you won't be able to see it, but I'll know it was there.
After we murder Gaddafi, who gets all of his sunglasses? I'm serious, those fuckers are bad ass.
Anne Frank should've been figuring out how to kill Hitler instead of scribbling down a bunch of horse shit.
At my funeral I'm going to have a Sharpie chained to the coffin so friends can draw one last dick on my face.