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I finally taught my son about the birds and the bees, he was little confused about why a bird would take a shit on a bee's chest.
I had a near death experience, and I saw heaven. People were screaming and there was fire everywhere. It was glorious.
Last night I went out to dinner with my in-laws, and their cunt daughter.
If I post a pic of my wife's vagina, can you guys be adult and without joking around, tell me what you think.
My wife needs some new friends, I'm tired of beating off to the ones she has now.
The Ouija board spelled out, "Your fingers smell like asshole" and then just quit working.
Animals don't wipe their asses and they're doin' great.
My asshole's having a bad hair day.
How many stamps go on an envelope with a fart in it?
If your lawyer has a ponytail or a cowboy hat, you're going to jail.
I bet Wonder Woman was a squirter.
It's 2014 when am I going to be able to fax pubes?
I'm doing impressions on twitter now, here's my friend Ted's dad, "Let me suck your dick, I won't tell Ted", if you knew him, it's perfect.
Those aren't skid marks, they're rear tears. My ass cries brown.
My penis fell asleep, so I drew pictures of my face all over it.
I just "Shazamed" a fart and Maroon 5's entire library came up.
I'm sick of Libya. Let's bomb Chad, not the country, but Chad, the dick on my block with two jet-skis.
Once my dad caught me fucking a dog so he took me behind the barn and made me fuck a whole pack of dogs.
If you're over 35 and on a bicycle, you're going to get beer.
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