I had a near death experience, and I saw heaven. People were screaming and there was fire everywhere. It was glorious.

My asshole's having a bad hair day.

If I post a pic of my wife's vagina, can you guys be adult and without joking around, tell me what you think.

Animals don't wipe their asses and they're doin' great.

I bet Wonder Woman was a squirter.

Those aren't skid marks, they're rear tears. My ass cries brown.

I'm doing impressions on twitter now, here's my friend Ted's dad, "Let me suck your dick, I won't tell Ted", if you knew him, it's perfect.

This winter I'm going to cum my name in the snow, you won't be able to see it, but I'll know it was there.

After we murder Gaddafi, who gets all of his sunglasses? I'm serious, those fuckers are bad ass.

Turns out Bin Laden did it all for a Klondike Bar.

If your lawyer has a ponytail or a cowboy hat, you're going to jail.

I just "Shazamed" a fart and Maroon 5's entire library came up.

I hate to be the one to tell you, but c'mon ladies, only like 5% of you are rapeable.

If you're waiting in front of a store right now, you're a fucking retard.

Someone wrote "Wash Me", in the dust on my dick.

Gay dudes like 'Starfish Week' way better.

I'm sick of Libya. Let's bomb Chad, not the country, but Chad, the dick on my block with two jet-skis.

If you're over 35 and on a bicycle, you're going to get beer.

Black Friday? Don't they already get February?

Be nice to old people, you might be able to fuck 'em.