I'm out of touch with today's youth, believe me, I want to be touching them.

What if I say, "This is FARTA!", but then I shit myself, what then?

I Shazamed a fart and Maroon 5's entire library came up.

Hey babes, it's called a landing strip, not a helicopter pad with a furry road to your asshole.

A pie cooling on a window sill is still the best place to meet other fat people.

"Hey there's a Fight Club over here!"- Dan hated rules.

If I see you put mustard on something, from then on I will refer to you as, "Johnny Mustard".

Who owns a gold Prius, parked at 1624 Schrader Blvd? Had to shit in it, it's alright I left a note with my info.

My dick looks like old Benicio Del Toro.

I bet his nuts would fall out of his diaper constantly. RT @fightforfood: Gandhi was a lazy piece of shit. Fuck Gandhi.

I know I'm getting Catfished by some fat queer, but I'm still hard as a rock everytime we "chat".

I'm 1000% positive Beyonce's baby is mine, I've been mailing her my semen for years, so, you do the math.

Aladdin 12: who Jafar-ted?

Irish people drink a lot because not catching leprechauns is frustrating as hell.

I can fart pretty much every Phil Collins song except, " Against All Odds", that one makes me shit.

Every time I've been robbed it's been by those filthy Spics....Ted and Frank Spic, couple of assholes.

I finally got that wierd nipple on the head of my cock pierced.

What's Angelina doing with her old, rotting titiies?

I woke up on the wrong side of the '92 Camry this morning.

the facial network