huge explosions reported in the @ap senior social media editors pants

"if you love your job, you never work a day in your life" - that is some fucking grade A bullshit right there

I AM MISS AMERICA - i watch a lot of garbage tv and eat take out and i'm wearing yoga pants but don't do yoga

another reason not to have a blog- so the today show can’t read your awful poetry on air after your boyfriend becomes a govt fugitive

every night i'm like oh yeah i'm gonna read this awesome book before i go to bed but instead i drunk tweet the local news in my unders

does cee-lo always look like a futuristic garbage can

bad cat bad cat whatcha gonna do when she furs on you

if you're an adult man wearing a suit and a backpack i can't possibly take you seriously

republicans think half the country are losers; democrats think half the country are morons and hicks. it evens out.

an entire generation that know carrie brownstein from portlandia instead of sleater kinney. the terrorists have won.

#storybehindmyscar pop tart incident

this is your daily reminder that I have a really cute cat 🐱 pic.twitter.com/KoMkQAM4hJ

i wonder if these miss america contestants also ate cold chinese food with their hands for dinner tonight

just saw a squirrel scamper by with half a slice of pizza. god speed, little dude

it would be an HONOR to eat one of the derby horses in burger or meatball form

my point is, don’t brag about how your electric car doesn’t use fossil fuels if you get your power from a coal plant

the ONLY things people want from a restaurant site: HOURS, what you're serving during those hours, and a menu. most don't have that.

@wsj #rightcall the city needs those resources to deal with the aftermath of the storm

when people tell me tofu is gross, it boggles my mind. i know exactly what's in it; what's in that mcnugget you're scarfing?

I’m an atheist because god would give ghosts better things to do than whisper to hicks with tape recorders