In California you're depressed, in Texas you're just a pussy.

when i was a kid if we didnt wake up with a hard on christmas morning we didnt have anything to play with.

Don't piss on my face and call it a fetish.

If I was rich I'd still eat egg sandwiches.

Sometimes I wish I was autistic just so I could play guitar and piano better.

I started twitter and had an egg pic not a chicken. That's it bitches the egg came first.

When the shit hits the fan, you beat somebody's ass for throwing shit into the fucking fan.

It don't get much gayer then cum on a mustache.

If anybody calls your momma a whore, punch em in the mouth and say "I know. "

I've never seen a real camel toe but an alpaca toe is quite impressive.

Worst thing about a blunt besides being too niggery, is watching this fucker deepthroat it. It won't light cause it's covered in slobber.

My wife is reading religious texts and I'm reading blowjob tweets.

If someone takes your wife, let them feed that bird. If someone takes your horse, kill that motherfucker.

You can find more whores at church then at a bar. #churchfacts

Dear journal, new gayest experience of my life- 4 minutes of watching skating with the stars.

It just ain't Christian not to get the gal a towel to clean up afterward, unless you're payin, then that bitch can get her own.

I masturbate in the third person.

You'd think I was a 50yr old whore with these hurting knees.

I have irritable bowl syndrome. If I don't smoke a bowl soon I'll choke somebody.

I wonder how many pedophiles out there are waiting for biebers sex tape.