"I'm saving myself for marriage" - somebody nobody wants to fuck.

I'd rather watch my grandfather fuck my father in the mouth then ever sit through The Bounty Hunter again #SuckFilmFest

Every time the wind blows I'm afraid someone will hear my asshole whistle.

Only God can judge me. Also, anyone who catches me masturbating to german shit videos. They can judge me too.

Sometimes I feel like calendars are just guessing.

Nothing intelligent has ever followed: "Well, if I was the president..."

"Ugh, how can this day get any worse?" - bin laden, this morning, after stubbing his toe

Bin laden was found after an ill-advised check-in on four square.

"I would hurt, like, SO many flies!" - some guy just keepin' it real

Guys named Kyle like fish stick sandwiches.

Just watched I Am Comic and saw @nikkiglaser sitting alone at that table in the comic condo. I've seen beheadings that were less depressing.

@shawngarrett @michaelianblack This isn't gonna help them dispel the rumors that their hiding the secret of their beef content.