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The only time policemen and firefighters should be at an elementary school is on career day.
.@denardx I'm going to miss watching you play in The Big House. Thanks for an exciting four years. #iloveyoudenard
As a guy who watches the NFL Combine, I completely understand girls who feel insecure while watching the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show.
.@delvonroe10 Would you star in my next video? You'd be perfect for it. It's called "Shit Failed Athletes Say About Future Pro Athletes."
I swear to God, if I see one more Harlem Shake video I'll probably watch it.
I support gay marriage way more than I support myself getting married anytime soon.
.@denardx Congratulations on a great career. I'm going to miss watching you in a Michigan uniform. Good luck in the NFL. #iloveyoudenard
.@denardx is #16 on the field, but #1 in my heart. Watch the new music video for "I Love You Denard": http://t.co/hXm3YQTq #iloveyoudenard
At the very least, Spike Albrecht's performance tonight has ensured that he won't be working at Enterprise Rent-A-Car after college.
Here's @hoodieallen's full @applebees karaoke performance: http://t.co/bDv2pJGk
If you're wearing green and/or drinking alcohol today make sure you let everyone know because it's very important and everyone cares!
I just turned 24. Want to give me a birthday present? Check out my new music video "I'm 24" and retweet this: http://t.co/cal4Uosn #im24
"Just do it... unless you're thinking about killing your girlfriend, don't do that." -Nike's new slogan
In response to the new Facebook guidelines, I hereby declare that anyone who posts that status deserves to be tagged in pictures of shoes.
I've spent the majority of my life trying to think of witty comebacks to things people will never actually say to me.
My thoughts and prayers go out to all of the fathers out there who have a daughter and are just now finding out what Snapchat is.
Loved by few, frowned upon by many.
