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Next time a man starts talking to me while we are standing at the urinals, I'm gonna start yelling "Stranger Danger" at the top of my lungs.
Just found out I have C.D.O. It's like O.C.D. only in alphabetical order the way it's supposed to be.
I get so frustrated when my dogs just sit @ the bathroom door watching me "GO" Then I realized I do the same thing 2 them in the backyard.
Some LOSER just walked into the movie Thor wearing a Green Lantern shirt. Umm HELLO Green Lantern is DC. Thor is Marvel you DORK.
I've got good news & bad news: I managed to kill 2 birds w/1 stone today, but I accidentally used my pet rock to do it. R.I.P. "Rocky"
Told my Dad I was going fishing this weekend. He said, "Do you have worms?" I was like, "Yah, but I'm gonna go anyway."
Husbands & wives use the bathroom in front of each other all the time. So when will they invent a 2 seater so u don't have 2 wait ur turn?
If I have a yard sale and you try to haggle with me on anything marked less than $1 I'm just going to mug you.
It takes 20 fucking hilarious tweets to gain 1 new follower and 1 bad tweet to lose 20 COCK SUCKERS!!!
Let a Jahova's Witness in my house today Gave him a seat a drink & said What would u like 2 talk about He said Dunno never made it this far!
I hit the back of a dwarf's car this morning He wobbled up to my car door I rolled down my window He said I'm not Happy I said Which 1 R U?
After "Brainstorming" last night I've decided 2 quit my job & just rob people when they "check in" away from home on foursquare BRILLIANT!!!
I just found an old watch I used to wear in High School I'm 35 years old now but I can still fit into it Yes, time has been good to me
I don't want a boat... I want a "friend with a boat"
You know you're tired when you walk up to your front door and press the unlock button on your car keys.
You know when you're eating pizza naked in your recliner and a piece of bacon falls onto your dick and you have an orgasm?....um me neither!
When I give my son 2 choices 4 a movie No matter how COOL I make mine sound & how LAME I make his sound He ALWAYS picks his movie!!!
My wife woke me this morning & said she wanted 2 go downtown My dick got hard & then I watched her get dressed and leave. Oh, THAT downtown!
I'm sorry, but I think I got your little "Smart Car" stuck in the tread of my Big "Dumb Truck".
I've eaten salads 4 breakfast lunch & dinner 4 a month & I'm actually gaining weight Maybe less cheese sour cream & guacamole on the next 1?