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#deadliestcatch The way my wife eats "all you can eat crab legs" is single handedly keeping these guys employed!!!
My friend told me I was delusional... Seriously you guys I almost fell off my unicorn when I heard that!!!
Damn it Gym, I'm a DOCTOR not an ATHLETE!!!
I got them shots like jäger... I got them shots like jäger...I got them shoOooOOOoooOots like jäger!!!
Saw a spider "by" me...NOT a problem. Blinked...Where'd the spider go? WHERE'S THE FUCKING SPIDER MAN?!!! Ok NOW we have a HUGE problem!!!
Holding off taking a crap until u have 2 RUN 2 the bathroom but running makes it worse so u walk instead & crap urself cus u didn't make it!
Has anyone tweeted: "Houston, we have a problem.",yet? Quick!!! I need to know!!!
Rearrange the letters in evolution and it spells evul lotion... Coincidence??? I think not!!!
My sons English teacher has it out 4 him She said he's failing her class which is unpossible I twodoor him mine ownself everyday after skool
Does anyone know the difference between a Camaro and a boner?
I don't have a Camaro.
A friend of mine asked me if I liked Fight Club. So I punched him in the face for breaking the first 2 rules of Fight Club!!!
It's official. Tim Tebow is now the most famous white Bronco. OJ Simpson's truck is now in second place.
So Christmas came early this year, but he swears that's never happened to him before...
I'm tweeting this as I walk to a gas station because farting in your gas tank doesn't work...apparently!!!
Pee Wee Herman just told me my tweets are so funny he forgets to star them!!!
QUICK!!! We need toilet paper ASS SAP!!!
U know that "Guido Face" pose that's become so popular? U know, the 1 that says "This is what my mouth would look like if it was an asshole"
I don't want a boat... I want a "friend with a boat"
I'm pretty poor, & easy to get along with, but the black people @ work still treat me like I owned their grandparents personally!!! #racism