Women in bars are my random number generator.

If you think adventure is dangerous, wait till you see the long term effect of monotony.

physics: where shooting beams of high speed e- at stuff is considered a failsafe way to learn more about the laws of universe

CNN: Our News Breaks So Fast You Won’t Even Realize It Never Happened.

Bless your little heart, autocorrect. I meant holy fuck not holy spirit.

I have never gotten over the fact that flammable and inflammable are synonyms.

I'd rather have Karma's address book than anyone's fucking little black book.

Is it just me, or are grown-ass men in bunny suits replacing clowns as the stuff of nightmares?

Three days ago I used "objective" when I meant to type "subjective." Just letting you know I'm here to talk so the healing process can begin

Them: On a Mac, what's the difference between OS "ex" and OS "ten"?

Me: An understanding of how Roman Numerals work...

We learned Latin in 7th grade because it would "help our language skills," and it did. I've never once mispronounced "Latin."

Hope for the best but prepare for the worst because that's the horse to back.

Idea: gyms where the only workout is wrestling fitted sheets on various styles of beds

don't belittle the people who quote inspiration they're just trying to find their way

Figured out a key segment of the dog's psyche:
1) Water from above = GOOD.
2) Water from below = BAD. VERY VERY BAD ALL BAD OH GOD BAD.

Life goal:
1) visit google hq
2) enter restroom
3) scream "ok glass take a video"

I don't have road rage. It's more like traffic tourettes.

I've been tested and whilst I'm not married I do carry the gene.

You try to forget the name of your first boyfriend or girlfriend, but your bank's security challenge question just won't let them go.

At this advanced age any date that doesn't end in us crashing for a nap is a failure. Wine me, dine me, 1929 me.