You can tell how bad a relationship is by how much effort they put into Valentine's Day.

The guy next to me on the subway is snoring. Which isn't so strange except he's STANDING UP.

Great work Twitter. http://t.co/vbQgl0rV

Do I need to know what Prussia is?

There are too many Laurens.

I never found out if Young MC and MC Hammer were related.

Why are they called "breakfast sandwiches" when they're clearly designed to be eaten for every meal?

I'm never quite sure if I'm laughing with Woody Allen, or at Woody Allen.

Pro tip: Never use the bathroom when kids are playing hide-and-seek.

I still don't know how to pronounce biopic

Googling things to do in San Francisco really quickly turned into Googling the cast of Full House.

You spend a third of your life asleep, a third at work, and a third untangling headphones.

At least I know no one will ever marry me for money.

Every time someone walks across the road in a movie I think they're going to be hit by a car. Every. Time.

Sometimes I think Kanye West has more fun than I do.

If you've ever taken a photo with an iPad in public, you look ridiculous.

There are two types of people in this world. Those who oversimplify, and those who don't.

Attention indie folk: we've had enough 'desolate landscape' album covers. Think of something else. Thanks.

The people at the table next to me are discussing their porn names. I'm having lunch in 1997.

I can hear the music school across the street teaching their kids to play "Don't Stop Believin'". We're gonna be ok.