Your/you're is baby stuff. I judge you on where you put the word "only".

Sometimes I'll tweet something primarily to prevent, in the event of my death, my previous tweet from being my last.

Don't leave all of your procrastinating to the last minute.

Some day we will all see a proof-of-life image of a hostage holding up an iPad displaying the latest home page for The Onion.

If you're not on twitter for a while, I assume that something good must have happened to you.

It's good that any unsold Christmas trees can simply be replanted.

I don't care what you say, it's time to break out the Thanksgiving tunes.

You'd think the sentence, "It's only confusing because you're stupid," would bring a conversation to a close. It rarely does.

"I've never seen this before in my life. I have no idea." At least it was the plumber and not the doctor.

I won't follow a magazine on twitter, because I assume that I'll keep seeing their tweets in my timeline for two years after I unfollow.

You know when Han Solo blew up the intercom rather than continue a conversation? That should always be an option.