Hey girl, I know I'm only 42, but my ideas on women's rights are over 500 years old.

Hey girl, I hope you're middle class because I'm totally ready to screw you.

Hey girl, I just put you in my binder.

Hey girl, you look so cute when you're losing your reproductive rights.

Hey girl, don't let the personhood issue get you down. You still get to choose what to make for dinner tonight.

Hey girl, let's make our own secret tape! You hold the camera while I make fun of poor people.

Hey girl, this old guy with the big smile is really irritating me with his facts and knowledge. #vpdebate

Hey girl, you're too hot to need a Pell Grant! Work that pole!

Hey girl, I'm pro-life. But not necessarily yours.

Hey girl, I want you to know that I'll NEVER say what Akin said about "legitimate" rape. I'll just try to pass it into law.

Hey girl, not to brag, but our supporters include Kid Rock, Ted Nugent, Meatloaf and many other artists from the 99 cent cassette tape bin.

Hey girl, I voted against equal pay for women. But you don't need heat to keep you warm when you have me.

Hey girl, I don't believe in global warming. But I do believe in snuggles.

Hey girl, it doesn't matter how many lies I told in my speech tonight. I have God and nature on my side.

Hey girl, you don't need access to healthcare, my warm, soft kisses will make you well.

Hey girl, let's take the "u" out of "uterus."

Hey girl, during Clinton's 48 minute speech last night, I ran six marathons.

Hey girl, don't forget to ask your husband who you should vote for today!

Hey girl, we totally respect working women. That's why we let you go home at 7pm to make your family dinner and vacuum.

Hey girl, I may be conservative in my policies, but I'll always be liberal with my butterfly kisses.