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Beyonce is pregnant, but it's not Jay-Z's. It's Destiny's child.
So a homophobe, a rapist, and a black guy walk into a bar, and everyone's like "Can I have your autograph, Kobe?"
Instagram is down and now people are going to starve because they won't eat their food without a picture of it.
If Skrillex gets a Grammy, so should those rumble strips located on the shoulders of roads. #Grammys
Dudes that flip off the camera in pictures want you to know that they're tough and strong and not afraid of any fucking camera.
If a cop asks "Do you know why I pulled you over?" say "Because you're a hater" and they have to let you go. It's the law.
I want to get drunk. Like "speaking in cursive" drunk.
When the rapper Ice Cube dies, they should just kick his body under a huge refrigerator.
I liked dubstep when it was called starting your dial-up modem.
Ever been so high you realize that you've been watching a movie on TV for 30 minutes, minimized, on the guide screen?
Titty fucking is the most romantic of all sexual acts because that's when you're the closest to her heart.
When my girlfriend and I fight, I tighten the top to every jar and bottle in the house. Just so I can say "Oh yeah, you need me NOW, huh?"
One man's trash is another man's daughter.
"That shit crêpe." - niggas in IHOP.
Just colored my phone's camera lens with a brown marker and now I have Instagram.
Funny how people celebrate 4/20, Hitler's birthday, by burning a living thing and then giggling uncontrollably.
John Wilkes Booth: Vampire Hunter Hunter.
I can't wait for when Ke$ha has to downgrade to Ke¢ha. Then down to KeFOODSTAMPha.
I hate when I ask my best friend why he got me drunk last night and he doesn't answer me because he's a bottle of whiskey.
c o m e d i a n
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