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Beyonce is pregnant, but it's not Jay-Z's. It's Destiny's child.
So a homophobe, a rapist, and a black guy walk into a bar, and everyone's like "Can I have your autograph, Kobe?"
Instagram is down and now people are going to starve because they won't eat their food without a picture of it.
If Skrillex gets a Grammy, so should those rumble strips located on the shoulders of roads. #Grammys
Dudes that flip off the camera in pictures want you to know that they're tough and strong and not afraid of any fucking camera.
If a cop asks "Do you know why I pulled you over?" say "Because you're a hater" and they have to let you go. It's the law.
I want to get drunk. Like "speaking in cursive" drunk.
I liked dubstep when it was called starting your dial-up modem.
Ever been so high you realize that you've been watching a movie on TV for 30 minutes, minimized, on the guide screen?
When the rapper Ice Cube dies, they should just kick his body under a huge refrigerator.
Titty fucking is the most romantic of all sexual acts because that's when you're the closest to her heart.
When my girlfriend and I fight, I tighten the top to every jar and bottle in the house. Just so I can say "Oh yeah, you need me NOW, huh?"
One man's trash is another man's daughter.
"That shit crêpe." - niggas in IHOP.
Just colored my phone's camera lens with a brown marker and now I have Instagram.
Funny how people celebrate 4/20, Hitler's birthday, by burning a living thing and then giggling uncontrollably.
John Wilkes Booth: Vampire Hunter Hunter.
I can't wait for when Ke$ha has to downgrade to Ke¢ha. Then down to KeFOODSTAMPha.
I hate when I ask my best friend why he got me drunk last night and he doesn't answer me because he's a bottle of whiskey.