You can say whatever bad things you want about pedophiles, but at least they drive slowly past schools.

Knock-Knock. ..Who's there? Nine-eleven. ..Nine-eleven who? YOU SAID YOU'D NEVER FORGET :*(

‎"I am" is the shortest sentence. "I do" is the longest.

Just saw a marriage proposal graffiti'd on a freeway overpass. I wonder if she accepted by getting a tear tattooed under her eye..?

"Lady Gaga is hot!", said no heterosexual guy, ever.

The people of Dubai don't get to watch the Flintstones but the people of Abu Dhabi Do!

Bill Murray... That is all. - http://t.co/3CN0WKr via @imgur

I'm sad that, at 5'3", no matter how viciously I rip off my shirt and scream "THIS.. IS.. SPARTA!", no one will take me seriously.

[insert really funny tweet] -Me, when I only had 6 followers

Give me ur tired, poor, and huddled masses yearning to breathe free..& dress them in a Statute of Liberty costume to advertise tax services.

If I could invent a holiday it would be the one where we all walk around slow motion-roboting to dub-step.

No, *YOU* keep lying to everyone about how your stretch-marks are from the time you lost a fight with Wolverine, Mom.

I'd hand one over, but I'm fresh out of fucks to give.

Best joke heard this weekend: Why can't you fool an aborted baby?

Because they weren't born..... yesterday. @heatherzadeh

Benny "The Jet" Rodriguez—the child star hottie from The Sandlot—is now an LA firefighter. If u need me I'll be lighting my vagina on fire.

For the last few weeks, I've ignored an unread email from myself reminding me to go to the gym, but now I think I'm ready to mark it as spam

When they shop for lotion, I wonder if moms realize they're also hand-selecting their teenage son's first lubricant.

When someone with a lot of followers re-tweets you, you're the stripper and they're "makin' it rain" followers on you.

I get a lot of pleasure from analyzing people's before- and after-fixing-typo tweets.

I like to tell myself I don't have many followers because I'm still in my 'hipster find' stage. "Oh, payley2? You wouldn't know who she is."