If you're a piece of shit, just embrace it and be a fuckface. You'll hurt a lot more good people by pretending to be a decent human being.

Almost cunt punched my cousin for telling me to make a wish at 11:11. Six year olds are fucking stupid.

She said she was falling for me and I was like, "Bitch watch your step!"

You call it substance abuse I call it Tuesday.

White people are scarier than anyone and don't you fucking forget it. - History

Just because I make jokes doesn't mean I'm happy. It means I want to make you happy, then I'm fucking happy, yeah.

If you ever see me in the push up position there's a 99.9% chance it's because I'm looking for Percocet under my couch

Why do people approach me in public? I look unfriendly for a reason.

Finally cool enough out to leave hookers in the trunk for 2 weeks before needing to get a new one. I love Autumn.

My three most used expressions: (in no particular order)

- Fuck that!
- Fuck this!
- Fuck you!

HotelDesk: "Shall I send your bags up?"
Me: "Yes"
HotelDesk: "To your room?"
Me: "To m--wait. What? No... to the roof" God, I hate people

Someday we'll all look back on this. I don't know why we will or what we'll think of it but someday it's gonna happen that's all I'm saying.

The person sleeping next to you is statistically more likely to murder you than any other person on the entire planet. Do the dishes.

People need to stop calling me. This phone is for twitter and angry birds, assholes.

That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.

In an effort to go from "doormat" to "assertive," I almost always overshoot and land on "bitch" accidentally.

I wish I could physically put words back in peoples mouths, like with my fist.

Alcoholism, drug abuse, sexual depravity and mental illness skyrocketing. Read your timeline for details.

When you said coke I assumed you meant cocaine. No thank you. Soda is bad for you.

I propose we replace "it is what it is" in the vernacular with "I have absolutely nothing to say, but I am going to say something anyway."