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Nothing like being awoken suddenly by a blowjob...
I gotta start sleeping with my mouth closed.
The Beach Boys walk into a bar:
“Get a round”
“I get a round?”
“Get a round….”
When you say "9 out of 10 forest fires are caused by humans."
All I hear is "there's a bear out their that knows how to use matches."
I asked a waiter how they prepare their chicken. He said...
"Meh, nothing special. We just straight out tell them they're going to die."
NO ONE on Twitter is better than anyone else.
We’re all just fucking idiots.
Staring at our fucking phones.
Wasting out fucking lives.
Well aren't you a fucking waste of two billion years of evolution.
If you enjoy my comedy on Twitter, you should check my other roles. Like underpaid retail worker, inadequate sexual partner and douchebag.
Heck is where people go when they don't believe in gosh.
I love the way Australians pronounce vagina.
I should really get off Twitter and get out into the world. The problem is, i'm not really a huge fan of people, places or things.
I'd rather just buy a huge bag of weed and forget about Twitter completely.
If you feel like nobody cares that you're alive...
Try missing a couple of payments.
Go on FB to see what people ate for dinner.
Go on twitter to see how the shit went.
I was so fucking hammered last night, I got hit by a parked car.
I'm following people with under 200 followers who are fantastic. Don't let someone's follower's mislead you. Let their tweets be your guide.
I have so many different fucking drug habits, I had to write them all down in a book. I call it....
We have enough fucking youth...
how about a fountain of smart?
A friend of mine lost his left leg and his left arm in a car crash.
He's all right now.
That awkward moment at Prince Williams bachelor party when he stuffs $$ in a strippers thong with a picture of his grandmothers face on it.
“Typical morning in Canada, Canadians walk out of their igloo, hop on the back of their polar bear and spear a beaver to death.”