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If I was half as motivated to be successful in life as I am at opening a wine bottle without a corkscrew, I'd be unstoppable.
Are fetishes just for people who are bad at regular sex?
"High-hoe, high-hoe, it's off to work I go."
[Unable to get a job, Snow White resorts to a life of prostitution and blow.]
The Old Spice commercials make menopause look like a scary bitch.
You can say anything to a dog, they only go by their instincts.
I just know stuff, it's weird.
Ways to Please a woman:
* in that order
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
i have my concealed weapon carry permit so i usually have my gun on me but i ALWAYS have my safety glasses and noise-canceling headphones on
My ability to set my ex on fire from here isn't working...
*scratches Telekinetic powers Off resumé
A group of people who judge what they don't understand is called a "buncha complete fucking morons."
You could solve a lot of the worlds problems with something as simple as 'pizza' !
I'm high and about to clean the fuck out of this house right after I wreck the kitchen
I've been putting airplanes in my vagina for years, I don't know what the big deal is
Allowed to Wear Capes:
When all the blood rushes to your little head, try not to pass out.
But what if I don't *want* to fuck off, hmm? :)
Oh Blood Moon!! I thought it was weird you wanted to have a Blue Moon party. Either way more beer for me.
I died once but it wasn't on the inside.
My mom still regularly employs 'not' at the end of her sentences to illustrate sarcasm and irony
And now I want to kill everything