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Whenever I read some chicks I hate pants tweets on here all I can imagine is 70's porn disco bush.
Kanye West agreed to play Santa Claus under the condition that children had to ask him what he wanted for Christmas.
I gots shot NINE times, yo.
- 50 Centaur
All this time I thought "Elf on a shelf" was code for boring parents with no sex life.
Who do I have to fuck around here to get some better quality subtweets?
You can tie me up but if you try to put me in the trunk it's totally over.
I send more nude photos to women than men.
"But I already had McDonalds for lunch" - every conversation that precedes deciding to eat at an Arby's.
I know it's the holidays, but don't you dare turn sentimental on us. Pull yourself together.
It's like that game Twister except if it lands on right foot red, I murder your children.
All I want for Christmas is world peace (and a gun that shoots knives)
Don't you hate it when he pulls it out and you're thinking: I hope he keeps some of it hidden?
Lucky for me, coal has a lot of uses.
*a lie I tell myself
I make no apologies that I think the Duck Dynasty Christmas special is pretty entertaining...
"Hi, this is Tito Ortiz. I'm here to tell you that I am SHOCKED to find the porn star I married turned out to be a lousy wife and mother."
All I want for Christmas is your two front teeth.
Every. Single. Time. YOU open your Stupid. Damn. Mouth. I want to PUNCH YOU right in your Arrogant. Fucking. Face!
What? Are you serious?! That's awesome! Good chat.