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Man tip: Got a pregnant wife? Consume copious amounts of alcohol so you two can throw up together.
Pregnancy is all about support.
I've only been talking to you for 3 days. Why did you just declare your love for me? BLOCK!!!
I like to think that I'm eloquent even when I'm talking complete nonsense.
I'd like you to meet my beauty consultant, Phil Ters and my personal trainer, Pho Toshop.
I don't trust anyone who frequents the word "zany".
Kid: Dad I'm right here
Dad: Oh hey sport, where'd you come from?
If I'm one of the first people you follow on Twitter...
May God help you.
Wore camouflage to McDonald's and nobody caught me farting. True story.
I'm thinking "retweeting" and you all are thinking "retarded".
I'm wearing sexy panties right now so you know what that means ;)
...I'm waaaay behind on laundry.
⬇is full of shit!!!!! https://twitter.com/pbear79/status/611368832402259968 …
yes tattoos hurt. more than a spanking, less than heartbreak.
I hate when mamasan treats me like I don't know the market value.
Deep fried Fitbits are surprisingly delicious.
Your poorly written, misspelled tweet has made me rethink my entire life. Thank you.
I was just banned from all future library magic shows. I'm sorry. I didn't know it was bad form to keep telling the kids, "That's so fake."
roses are red
the grass is green
i like to eat pussy
and have my ass fingered
How am I today?
[6 hours of crying]
What? Are you serious?! That's awesome! Good chat.
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