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When guys say "you're smart and pretty - what's wrong with you? Why are you single?" Umm. Thanks?
<---- uses grandma's hand held gilded mirror to see if hymen has fully grown back
You make my crotch feel funny.
Mmm boy, your ass looks mighty fine in those yoga pants..
A Rose by any other name is probably working on baby daddy number 3
Hey guys, fuck this porn. Let's turn it off and talk about global warming instead.
I stopped caring a long time ago, its about fucking time you caught up
Sometimes when I'm feeling down I make myself a big glass of chocolate milk and pour it on unsuspected old people down the balcony.
Currently I'm down a friend, cause my super religious one finally found out I call her son "Beelzebub" on Facebook.
You're like the prize on the very bottom shelf at the carnival games.
I have two settings: starving or stuffed.
At least it's simple.
Yeh civil unions weren't perfect but they paved the way for gay marriage.
(why you guys want to marry ((gay or straight)) I don't know)
If I was a party planner every toddler's birthday invitation would contain the words, mayhem, agony, assholes, and goat sperm.
*looks back in anger*
I tried to smoke a hashtag once - but I coughed up words for days
I'd rather read 20 of your original tweets that bomb instead of one killer tweet you've stolen.
It's not all about the money, it's also about guys named Benjamin, cause everyone knows they have the big dicks.
4: "Is the mailman my dad?"
Me: "I wish."
What? Are you serious?! That's awesome! Good chat.