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A 'friend' invited me out then cancelled 30 minutes before we were suppose to meet.
Now I have to fuck her boyfriend.
I think my demons turn her on.
The cool thing about social media is you get to look into the lives of people all around the world and get to judge the shit out of them.
Uno is just like Asshole except I don't end up fingering an ugly chick on my buddy's futon bed.
I always have to pee Im becoming my grandma.
*opens another beer using only one nipple*
Open one for me too, nana
You tell your dog to stop barking 50 times a day. It doesn't stop since it knows you don't mean it.
~ human intelligence is an oxymoron
Never accept advice from anyone with a misspelled neck tattoo.
I gave myself a butterfly tattoo when I was 9. Now it looks like a limp dick resting on a wrinkley sac. No regrets.
-Why didn't you answer your home phone?
-Because I'm walking the dog. Don't you trust me?
-Of course I trust you! Put the dog on the phone.
[caresses a fig]
Is this a date?
Always try your hardest, even when it's still not enough.
How much for the fresh start at life?
"Ma'am, That's bleach!"
I got 17 cars and trucks in my driveway that don't move but a house that does.
Opening a boost mobile, BBQ, barbershop, car detailing business.
My identify theft insurance consists of having a massive amount of debt.
Anything can be more enjoyable if you do it harder.
Wait, I don't think I did this right.
I've got one less problem without you... I want that problem back.