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Date you? I don't even clean the shit stains in my toilet bowl before you come over bitch.
*spends less than five minutes in Home Depot*
*wins Excellent Husband award*
I'm sorry. This apology goes out to anyone who didn't get the empty apology they deserved.
The fastest way to find out if your wife is just pretending to be asleep to avoid sex is to pick up her phone and start scrolling.
Putting 18+ in your bio is equivalent to painting flames on a Kia.
My sexual fantasy is to have a man dress up like Peter Pan and let me fuck his ass with a strap on
I can't believe the little baby girl I rocked to sleep in my arms just yesterday, it seems, will be 4 years old tomorrow.
Slow down, time.
My boyfriend is so damn lazy. I've been pretending to be asleep for the past two hours, waiting for him to get up and make coffee.
Really good soup, but served with a fork.
Every time a burrito falls apart on me I'm like "same"
THIS HOME PROTECTED BY
a skin flute
Blue cheese is my second favorite food that smells like how baby diapers tastes
In high school, I was voted most likely to spend Friday nights on the Internet talking to perverts
Sorry but there's just not enough room in this pillow fort for you, me and all the beer I need to get through today
What? Are you serious?! That's awesome! Good chat.