A true friend brings their own weed when they visit.

When I go to a fancy restaurant, they have to give me the "Redneck translated menu".

Retweeting someone's tweet is like giving them a fist bump

My son caught his first wave yesterday! He's 5 and has autism. I'm so proud & this is probably my most serious tweet ever!

I had a line of credit but I snorted all of it

Smooth as standing up stretching & sticking my fingers in the ceiling fan blades

Haven't had my meds yet this morning. But Larry, the pink elephant sitting on the couch, says I don't need that shit anyway.

So damn hot, I'm drinkin a cold #beer. I'd be drinking anyways but that's beside the point

People get all worked up about "Not drinking when you have kids." These are also the same people who don't have children.

My TL is like an insanity support group.

This dude at work is pissin me off. I'm gonna sprinkle some copenhagen in his coffee

I'm gonna start wearing adult diapers to work so I don't hafta take bathroom breaks.

Drinking beer between stores is making shopping w my gf more tolerable.

Had a wild coke party last night with my best friend. Me and my dog were wired on caffeine until 2 am.

The closest I come to an AA meeting is bullshitting with others at the bar.

All my tweets are original & straight from me. I want to thank all of you who are cool enough to follow me, even tho I don't pay for favstar

Got my hurricane supplies ready- 15 cases of beer, a few gallons of whisky and a generator running the fridge so the beer stays cold.

I've never drank dirty sock water, but it probably tastes something like caffeine free diet coke.

Ready to finish workin, get the fuck out of Montgomery & go back home to the country. Heard a gang fight & a gun shot last night. Fuck this.

Whoever said money isn't everything was a rich son of a bitch who really didn't have to worry about having it.