I wish I had a kitten chauffeur! How cute would a kitten chauffeur be! That little hat! Shaking a paw at bad drivers! Oh, kitten chauffeur!

Say what you will about Axl Rose, but that dick can whistle.

No matter how old I get, I never feel old enough to make grown up and informed decisions in the cereal aisle.

Would someone for the love of God spend one more night with Phil Collins?

That awkward moment when you sneeze so hard you fart and then try to cover it with a cough but only fart more. And then you cry.

I'm really glad I tried so hard in university because these baloney sandwiches aren't going to cut the crusts off & then cry on themselves.

GAWD, my dad is the Hitler of exaggerating things.

I'll never be as good as my mom at making potato salad while drunk or being disappointed by me.

If I had a nickel for every time I wanted to punch you in the throat, I'd have a nice sock full of nickels I could also use to beat you.

Biology has foiled me when the chubby guy being a good dad & getting his kid mcnuggets is sexier than the group of firemen oiling themselves

I just met you. This is crazy. I'm a goldfish. I just met you.

Being a mom is a strange mix of always wanting to give hugs and bake cookies, and always wanting to murder and mame. It's fucking beautiful.

I long for a simpler time. When the best pudding was shaken, the worst Ninja Turtle was Michelangelo & the Situation was that I shat myself.

If I'm vacuuming and I don't hear shit crackling up the hose, cleaning has been a complete fucking waste of my time.

When life gives you lemons, sigh kindly, knowing life has Alzheimer's and totally forgot about the lemons it gave you yesterday.

I dropped out of film school when I realised everything I wanted to do creatively had already been done in a Bangles video.

As a human being, I'm more awkward than the second half of November Rain during a slow dance in junior high.

As this morning's universe lays before me, my most important accomplishment will be me saying "bel biv devoe" thru a breakfast sandwich burp

Am I the only one who hoots & hollers like a drunk dude at a strip club everytime I watch Yoda bust out his lightsaber in Episode II?

I had this crazy dream where politicians made a working class salary and suddenly became the biggest advocates for the working class. Weird.