My iPhone just auto-corrected "boooring" to "booooooooooners" because I've texted it so many times.

"Paula...Kate...don't fight...the taco cart is on fire! Balloons!" #PeterGabrielSleepTalk

If I had a pal named Dirty Taco I bet he'd know about a weird mall that most people don’t go to. I bet I'd love Dirty Taco’s secret mall.

"Let's get down to business!" -Guy who enjoys dancing to the background noises of a local business

The most unendurable thing in life is that nothing is unendurable.

I hate myself and want to die. #vacation

My kids are such morons, the way they act like me.

We are not friends until I know what a hug from you feels like.

I wish I was hanging out with one of you guys right now because I'm pretty sure I just had my hand in my butt and then in my mouth.

Don't go chasing waterfalls. Stick to the rivers and the lakes that you're used too. Or you'll get AIDS.

Porn's okay but I don't get too horny without watching my index finger poke in and out of the ring made with my opposite hand for a time.

My chin is reminding me of Tom Waits today.

I've been told it's not PC to use the terms "gay" and "retarded. I wouldn't have to if everything wasn't so gay and retarded all the time.

When I push the soap dispenser and it's empty I usually pretend it wasn't and wash my hands with the ghost soap that came out.

eating beef jerky while i walk down the street because if i didn't i know men and women would literally be throwing themselves at me.

If you've had an abortion don't criticize my mood. Yes I've had bad moods but I've never had a "I'd rather kill a baby than raise it" mood.

Making Eggs Ressurect with Doubting Thomas' English Muffins.

I always use the handicap stall to poop, and I always limp out when I'm done. Just in case. #handicrap

"Corpus Christi" sounds like one of coolest Garbage Pail Kids® ever.

Black/white, liberal/conservative, male/female - it doesn't make any difference to me. You're ALL annoying.