Oh, Mitch Hedberg would have been unquestionably the greatest tweeter in the history of twitter.

You had me at "free" but you lost me at "with purchase of".

"god bless america" is officially the worst trending topic in twitter's history. It's worse than all the bieber ones even.

There's a reason I'm a loner. I don't like people, and the people I do like can't stand to be around me.

The devil is good. he punishes bad people. I'm cool with Satan. Hail Satan.

I'm sending sexy away again.

"Why do you want to work for us?" I don't, but I need money to pay the fucking bills. Now hire me. Moron.

I wish we had twitter when I was in school. Maybe I would have actually gotten laid.

My life is pathetic, but at least I'm not @irespectfemales

When the Lakers got their asses beat, the mood around the country was almost as joyous as when bin Laden got killed.

If you're opposed to gay marriage, don't get gay married. If you want the government to ban gay marriage, you're just an idiot.

There is blood on your hands today, @sarahpalinusa. And it's not just an animal. I sincerely hope you face charges of promoting terrorism.

It's my professional opinion that if you don't have music in your life, you life a sad and empty life.

I'm going through the same thing as charlie sheen and Dr. House right now. Except I don't have drugs, prostitutes, and nobody cares.

I feel like I'm being discriminated against when women reject me because of my small penis.

I'm glad I went the anti-social route today

Sometimes writing something for comedic effect just reveals what a sad, lonely life you live.

People on the internet are too negative. You need real life consequences for what you say. Be nice.

Wouldn't it be awesome if New Twitter meets the same fate as New Coke, so we can always just have Twitter Classic?

I'm making a pizza. Fuck you.