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It saddens me that I'll never be as happy as the elephant barging through the palace doors in aladdin..
I'm outdoorsy in that I like getting drunk on patios
A penis is just an inside out vagina..so technically we're all lesbians.suck on an inside out vagina, homophobes.
Used to think I was such a fucking lady until I tried ripping off a bandaid & realized how many knuckle hairs I have on these gorilla hands
omg Karen, that picture of your baby in a Santa hat looks just like I couldn't give any less of a fuck
In the mood to get down and dirty and start RTing and starfucking someone's timeline
To the stranger whose car I just awkwardly sat in for 10minutes thinking it was mine: maybe lock your doors next time champ
Just once I wish I could wake up early enough that my morning poops weren't threats to the entire office.
"don't covet your neighbor's wife" is a bit hypocritical coming from a dude who supernaturally impregnated Mary behind Joseph's back.
They're sharing a drink they call loneliness, but it's better than drinking alone.
I swear to Drunk I'm not God..
Still working on my theory that love and friendship were created by terrorists
My brain doesn't comprehend black guys on skateboards
SO many people want to hangout with me on Friday nights, so I'll just stay home and finish knitting my cats sweater
Pretty cool of facebook to send me an email notification that they're not gonna be sending me as many email notifications..
I yell UGH,EGGS FOR BREAKFAST before going to the bathroom at work so they think i have massive shits and not just fucking around on twitter
I'm really happy with my decision to stuff my face with tacobell yesterday because I mean really, who wants to keep their intestines anyway?
If you're over the age of 25, and your best pickup line is "what's up trouble?" I'm pretty sure your social life is what's in trouble
My dog licked my ear and it gave me raging goosebumps. I think I finally get this "sex" thing all you guys talk about
ive been working on this bio for three weeks
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