In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an "A" on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.

My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.

My mom says my sister's so pretty she'll have to beat boys off with a stick, which makes me wonder what kind of weird handjobs my mom gives.

Though he battled He-Man for years, Skeletor's worst enemy ended up being osteoporosis.

I just found a porn magazine under my son's mattress & now I'm concerned that he's too stupid to use the internet.

If Bobby Flay's wife isn't named Sue, he did it wrong.

My doctor says I have pink eye or, as albinos call it, eye.

It’s ironic that camouflage is used to spot rednecks.

Billy the Exterminator is what happens when a kid grows up with only an ant farm & a Judas Priest album.

I hate when I'm out of toilet paper & have to do that penguin walk with my pants around my ankles over to my neighbor's to borrow some.

No band has ever written a song as hateful as the one the Bangles wrote about Ann Egyptian, the girl with Spina Bifida.

My son just lost his first tooth! Also, he can't take a punch.

If ghost hunters can have shows where they don't find any ghosts then I should have my own show called Pussy Hunter.

It's ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.

Just got caught counting cards and was asked to leave the Hallmark store.

The U.S. men's soccer team failed to qualify for the Olympics this week, upsetting nearly 14 Americans.

My marriages were a lot like the Star Wars films: the first three sucked, the next three were great & somewhere in there I kissed my sister.

New studies show it's healthier to eat the toy out of a Happy Meal & play with the McNuggets.

Today is the 5 year anniversary of my diet starting tomorrow.

I crap in my yard so burglars will think I have a huge dog.