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In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an "A" on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
I just found a porn magazine under my son's mattress & now I'm concerned that he's too stupid to use the internet.
Though he battled He-Man for years, Skeletor's worst enemy ended up being osteoporosis.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
My mom says my sister's so pretty she'll have to beat boys off with a stick, which makes me wonder what kind of weird handjobs my mom gives.
If Bobby Flay's wife isn't named Sue, he did it wrong.
My son just lost his first tooth! Also, he can't take a punch.
New studies show it's healthier to eat the toy out of a Happy Meal & play with the McNuggets.
It’s ironic that camouflage is used to spot rednecks.
After years of soul-searching & maturation I’ve come to a point in my life where I’m ready for that jelly, Destiny’s Child.
No band has ever written a song as hateful as the one the Bangles wrote about Ann Egyptian, the girl with Spina Bifida.
Billy the Exterminator is what happens when a kid grows up with only an ant farm & a Judas Priest album.
My doctor says I have pink eye or, as albinos call it, eye.
Today is the 5 year anniversary of my diet starting tomorrow.
I hate when I'm out of toilet paper & have to do that penguin walk with my pants around my ankles over to my neighbor's to borrow some.
It's ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
My wife said I have to stop watching Chopped after I packed our son's lunchbox with wild ostrich, candy corn, avocado & rainbow chard.
The U.S. men's soccer team failed to qualify for the Olympics this week, upsetting nearly 14 Americans.
A lot of bros that wear Tapout gear are tough because they're constantly fighting their homosexual tendencies.
I show girls that I’m a good kisser by pouring a box of Legos in my mouth then spitting out a car.
In the $5 clearance bin of internet comedy.