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I cried at the end of Charlotte's Web because I got a bad paper cut on the last page
It's ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
My son just lost his first tooth! Also, he can't take a punch.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an "A" on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
Sources say Russian forces have taken over the Crimea River, the body of water popularized by the Justin Timberlake song
It's such a double standard that when a girl has sex with lots of guys she's a "slut", but when I have sex with lots of girls I'm "lying".
I need to remind my wife that those 12 "Free Sex" coupons I gave her last Valentine's Day are about to expire.
If Papa John’s was truthful their slogan would be “Better ingredients. Better pizza. Better be near a toilet.”
After some trial & error I figured out that it's easier to poop first, then place it in your neighbor's mailbox.
My foreplay can best be described as "Velma searching for her glasses"
I just found a porn magazine under my son's mattress & now I'm concerned that he's too stupid to use the internet.
Everything I know about sex I learned on Cinemax which is why I tried to scissor my first three girlfriends
Is it okay to have sex with your cousin? Asking for my cousin.
Girl those jeans qualify for unemployment 'cause they are not working
Anybody know a good exterminator? I dropped my milkshake while getting out of my car and now my yard is covered in boys.
In Medieval days the weaponsmith made swords, the armorsmith made suits of armor and the arrowsmith made love in an elevator.
My marriages were a lot like the Star Wars films: the first three sucked, the next three were great & somewhere in there I kissed my sister.
When some kid kills me on Call of Duty I take solace in the fact that they've probably never touched a boob & I almost did once.
I used to be much more handsome before I fractured my cheekbones trying to drink a really thick milkshake.
Due to my poor ejaculate distance I have been nicknamed the hot glue gun.