Ok, seriously, go listen to this @amandapalmer cover of Polly. Fucking creeptastic and beautiful. http://t.co/JY5IPOR

If I had it all to do over again I'd probably just fuck up in different ways.

You're not a man just because you have a penis. You can buy those at the store.

So, when a 20 year old dude tells a girl that he goes running in a speedo to work on his tan, is he hitting on her or telling her he's gay?

If you walk on the left side of the stairs I want to kick you in the shin. And one of these days I just might.

Meet me at the intersect of need and want. I'll be there, hiding behind the stop sign.

The problem with drinking is that it wears off.

"You're not gay. You're just really, really vain."

I was too lazy to bother pulling my pants up after my last pee before bed. Then I argued with myself over whether or not to brush my teeth.

I don't have a password on my phone. Except for that special picture album. That has a password.

Someone bring me drugs or I'm going to be playing medicine cabinet mix-up again.

When I die anyone that puts an "in loving memory" stencil on their vehicle on my behalf is getting unpleasantly haunted.

Hey squirrel, I don't want to eat you but I have to walk this way. --thing I just said.

My upcoming online course has a webcam listed as required material. I have a smart ass comment to make, but I'm not going to.

Will you guys write to me in prison? I am about to stab the fuck out of a couple loud talking chatty fucks.

Taking my birth control with a glass of wine. Because that is how it should be.

Definition of frustrating: deciding to watch porn after painting your nails. see also, #truestory

I often have the urge to pull a knife on people and tell them they're harshing my mellow.

I'm already in a tank top and shorts. Are jails air conditioned well? Because at this rate I'll be naked by July.

"Do not take with alcohol" Ha, fuck your rules. I'll do what I want!