Twitter is like the parts of the animal that they don't even put in sausage.

No more complaining about low follower numbers for me. Jesus started out with just 12 followers and he's got, what, hundreds now.

I'd like to send out a big "Thank you" to all my creditors. I'll be forever in your debt.

Overheard: "Yeah, that's funny, but I don't know if it's twitter-funny."

Therapist: "Describe yourself in one word."
Me: "Concise."

I can't bring myself to dash off dozens of mediocre tweets. My style is to ponder, research, refine, and then release one mediocre tweet.

I HATE online account challenge questions. I don't want to keep being reminded that my first pet was a turtle that my brother broke in half.

Phrases I hope to avoid in my obituary: "skeletal remains," "dumpster," "almost beyond recognition," "dental records" and "shallow grave."

I have a weakness for women with big brains.

I wonder how long it will be before natural selection weeds out those of us who can't remember more than four passwords.

If you feel insulted or offended by anything I tweet, please just unfollow. Notifying my parole officer is simply not necessary.

Some tweeters wouldn't follow a fireman out of a burning building without checking him out on favstar first.

Twitter is like over-the-counter therapy.

It seems way too pretentious to refer to my existence as a lifestyle.

I'm basically a side-kick without a main guy.

To me, if you can't occasionally be funny without using an obscenity, you're not that funny.

If Hell exists, I'll bet it has some pretty screwed up rules. Like, you can burn eternally, but you're not allowed to smoke.

I'm looking forward to a productive day on Twitter. No, YOU'RE an oxymoron.

I think I enjoy the stream-of-consciousness tweets from the ADD folks the best. Is that a Ford Pinto? I hate figs. Look at this scar.

I tend to exaggerate, so if I ever claim that one of my tweets "went viral," I mean it got seven stars.