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Am I the only one eating a block of cheese right now, Twitter? Please check one: YES ☐ NO ☐
How come nobody ever includes "ruining that mustache for everyone" to the list of Hitler's atrocities?
I'm doing the Lord's twerk.
I just realized nobody ever favorites my tweets. What gives, buttholes? Aren't I nice and engaging enough, jerks!? I love you, idiots!
If you weren't moved by that speech, you're stuck in your prejudices and desires to "win" instead of live in a better America. #DNC2012
We should've sent two Mars rovers both named "Curious" so we could've called it "The Bi-Curious Mission to Mars."
Gary Neal gives no fucks. He should be leading an abstinence youth camp. #GoSpursGo
I meet people's mothers all the time, and you don't see me carrying on.
I had an unconscious uncoupling once. It's what happens when you say the things you've held back and she hits you in the head repeatedly.
Life Hack: Every two weeks, post "I hate liars," and see who confesses something to you.
Copywriter for hire, illustrator of @SMcomics, film snob, ultra ironclad super tough guy endurance marathon blade runner, & night crawler. (Not the X-Men guy.)