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Am I the only one eating a block of cheese right now, Twitter? Please check one: YES ☐ NO ☐
How come nobody ever includes "ruining that mustache for everyone" to the list of Hitler's atrocities?
I'm doing the Lord's twerk.
I just realized nobody ever favorites my tweets. What gives, buttholes? Aren't I nice and engaging enough, jerks!? I love you, idiots!
If you weren't moved by that speech, you're stuck in your prejudices and desires to "win" instead of live in a better America. #DNC2012
We should've sent two Mars rovers both named "Curious" so we could've called it "The Bi-Curious Mission to Mars."
Gary Neal gives no fucks. He should be leading an abstinence youth camp. #GoSpursGo
Are you the guy who knows all of the popular movie quotes and likes to crack people up with them? Yeah, stop that.
Are you a crooner that writes songs about coffee who needs a name? Frank Sumatra. You're welcome.
Yeah, that's all very interesting. *Goes back to penning Ben Bernanke fanfic economic erotica screenplay "Quantitative Pleasing"*
I read my last tweet and creeped myself out. So there's that.
AIDS now. BYE!
Writer for Television Without Pity, illustrator of @SMcomics, sexual healer, ultra ironclad super tough guy runner, and night crawler. (Not the X-Men guy.)