I'm doing the Lord's twerk.

How come nobody ever includes "ruining that mustache for everyone" to the list of Hitler's atrocities?

If you weren't moved by that speech, you're stuck in your prejudices and desires to "win" instead of live in a better America. #DNC2012

We should've sent two Mars rovers both named "Curious" so we could've called it "The Bi-Curious Mission to Mars."

Gary Neal gives no fucks. He should be leading an abstinence youth camp. #GoSpursGo

I just realized nobody ever favorites my tweets. What gives, buttholes? Aren't I nice and engaging enough, jerks!? I love you, idiots!

At a job interview: "How resourceful am I? I once built a MacGyver out of a mullet wig, a bomber jacket, duct tape and a flimsy premise."

Note to self: Do not greet everyone at work today with "How was your Mother's Day?" because mothers may be dead.

If we asked Dzhokhar Tsarnaev why he did it and he just replied "Farrah Abraham" we might pause for a couple seconds before denouncing him.

Got my tix for Maverick Music Festival. Excited to see Toadies and@GirlInAComa! 3/23  http://bit.ly/RCeDaC  @prekindle cc: @gabby_suicide

@molotvcktease You have the best name on Twitter. Anyone who tells you otherwise is a fucking liar.

Candy for breakfast, candy for lunch, then a sensible candy dinner.

Arrested Development season 4 hits in April. I think I just wet myself. Maybe unrelated.

@embasaurus Yours is the ass that launched a thousand dicks. @dildo_hitler

When you tell someone they're being unfair and they say life isn't fair, punch them. They are not life, and are capable of being judicial.

To beat cancer, cycle. To beat HIV, play basketball. To beat asthma, run. To beat your wife, interview David Stern.

Tony Parker is doing absolutey sick things right now. He is patient zero. #GoSpursGo

This is absolutely amazing. Somebody figured out when Ice Cube's "Good Day" was. http://t.co/HPCkkq3Q

I lived through the Macarena. You will show me some respect. #WhipperSnappers

Please help find Eggroll in Olmos Park or Monte Vista. #LostDog http://t.co/Lzi4C0YL